Solace in singledom

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/12/2019 (2440 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m writing you and your audience as the holiday season approaches. I’m a single male in his late 30s with no children. I’m not looking for love advice, but to provide some honest and hopeful commentary for those in a similar situation to me.

Ever since I was dumped over six years ago, I still feel pretty miserable at times, as my experience in the local dating scene was very lame. But, in recent years, I’ve come to the reality and real appreciation of solitude and being single. And sometimes, I have a deep and hard look at myself.

Now, I put myself first in my life! I volunteer at local non-profits more and enjoy my hobbies. And money that would have gone to dates and gifts to a girlfriend, is going to invest in myself, and donating to charities I care about.

While my situation is not perfect, and I struggle at times when I see others being happy, I wouldn’t trade that for the quiet and peace I get. My advice to singles: appreciate the times you have as a single person now! Don’t mope and groan, and don’t waste your time on dating apps, as it’s a complete waste of time. Don’t worry about finding “the one.” Have a complete and honest look at yourself as to why you are single. Maybe you need to be happy with yourself first, before dating someone.

Also, invest in yourself and your community now, because, one day you may regret missing that chance when you’re busy again in a relationship. These are the Christmas gifts you can give yourself. Happy holidays and all the best to your readers in 2020!

— Modestly Happy Being Single, East Kildonan/Elmwood

Dear Modestly Happy: You made good points, so just let me point people in specific directions related to your advice. First, if your ex tells you why you got dumped — great. Get some professional help if needed to get past being annoying. Second, if your ex did not say why, phone up and say you’re working on yourself, and that it would help to know some things that bug people about you. Finally, find a good relationship counsellor or psychologist and let it all out — the ex’s complaints, your own suspicions, things your parents nagged you about.

As for your second point — investing in your community and charities — what a great idea to get going before you meet someone new! I advise getting involved in several charities at once to see what sticks, and then stay with it. And donate extra money regularly, as it feels good each time!

Also consider advocating in an active way for really important causes such as climate change. None of us can afford to sit on our behinds anymore on issues like this.

You have some valuable insights. Your chances of meeting a socially aware, big-hearted partner are good, but six years is a long time not to give any thought to the pursuit of an attractive person. Time to get a little more social, and meetup.com is a good place to start, as it caters to people according to their interests. And happy holidays to you, too!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My problem at the annual family Christmas dinners is that I just want to eat and run — get everybody out of my face, and go home and read. Everybody knows I love to read, and exactly what kind of mystery books, and that I just want to go home and get into my new supply. I usually alternate between two at a time, and I can happily read for six hours.

OK, it’s more than just the lure of the books. I’m an introvert, and these big family bashes of aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins are too much for me. I can barely remember their names from one year to another. Besides, my dog gets lonely and it’s her Christmas too. I always bring a baggie to the dinner and swipe some turkey to bring home for her!

I need a line to get me out of the dinner shortly after dessert, but can never think of anything plausible, so I sit and suffer for hours after the food, just to be polite. Do you have a line I can use to get me out of the place?

— Introvert Needing to Run, Wolseley

Dear Introvert: First, deliver your “line” to just one person. Whisper in the host’s ear that dinner was delicious, but you have to run as you don’t feel well, from a bad cold coming on. Say you want to go without saying goodbye to everybody, so you’re going to slip quietly out back door.

Then just split, as in leaving so quickly no one notices. In order to do this and get away with it, you must leave your boots and coat right next to the escape door. Good luck, shy one!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography