Don’t let marriage go cold

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/03/2020 (2325 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just got married to a woman who was great and inspired me to go to work every day, be a better man and so on. But since we’ve been married, everything has changed. She’s rude to me all the time and says no to sex way more than ever before.

It’s like the female version of the trope where the guy gets married then gives up on his appearance and develops a bad attitude. I just don’t get what suddenly changed in her mind. I don’t know if this marriage going to work, or if I am just being immature.

Everyone always says marriage is about two people working through everything together, but so far she has turned down any sort of counselling, calling me paranoid. Then I wonder if I’m being paranoid and if that makes me unattractive to her. What a mess! Please help. — Half Married, Half Buried, Osborne Village

Dear Half Married: Some people get married then secretly wish they hadn’t and were still single and free. Sometimes they can’t even admit it to themselves but they turn passive-aggressive and make it uncomfortable enough their mate feels the chill and starts asking worried questions. Then the passive-aggressive mate — perhaps like your wife — gets righteous and snarky.

You should now come right out and ask her if she’d like to end this marriage. It may have been a mistake for her and if it is, then it’s also a mistake for you.

I know of several women who knew walking down the aisle it was a big mistake, but they didn’t want to run out and embarrass everyone. Just asking her and letting her know she has an out, if she wants it, might free you both up to tell your hard truths.

Don’t keep going and have children if you both feel this was a mistake, or even if it’s just you who feels this way. It only takes one partner to end a marriage at any time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend just got a job offer in Alaska! Where do I even start? There’s no way I want to move to Alaska. Not only would it make us American citizens (whose health care I don’t care for), but I’m just not up for it.

It’s a huge move and we’d be leaving everything behind here — friends, family, our house and vehicles!

I’ve worked hard for my career here, and I also have a social life, my sports teams, warm friendships and family circle in Winnipeg.

I love it here — and now I’m just supposed to up and leave for her job? She seems really excited about it, so I haven’t told her how I feel, but I need to do it soon or I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I convince her to stay here? Because I’m not leaving. — Mind’s Made Up, Winnipeg

Dear Made Up: Don’t rain on her parade just yet! Tell her you won’t be leaving your job any time soon, but would like to have a long distance relationship with her — online a lot and visits if she’s up for that.

Tell her you’re “just not ready” for such a move, and may never be. But, in the near future, do be a sport, and go up there for a visit to check out that beautiful place and her new job.

Say you’ll be happy to support her decision, though you will stay here in Winnipeg and see how she likes her new life in Alaska.

If she loves it, and you don’t, you will probably drift apart. She may not even like the job or living there and if she doesn’t, she can come back to Winnipeg and maybe still have you here. That way, you will not be the bad guy who ruined her adventure.

This is an entirely reasonable way to go. You really don’t have to break up over this right now.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography