Grandparents can play vital role

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/03/2020 (2356 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Your answer to the grandparents considering taking their troubled grandson in was very good.

Our son, who is now 26, is bipolar and on the autism spectrum (Asperger’s syndrome). He spent two years staying with my in-laws a few blocks away. It was one of the best things we ever did on our mental health journey with him.

Our son was very angry, self-medicating and lashed out at the people he knew would not let him down (his parents!). It was not until he was able to look at himself, ask, “What is wrong with me?” and not blame us for his troubles, that he began on a path of recovery and discovery.

Grandparents have a special relationship with their grandchildren. They usually don’t have the history of a tense relationship, and for some reason are able to live with a grandchild while instilling and enforcing boundaries. Our situation turned out very well. It takes a village, and it took our entire family supporting and nurturing our son and ourselves to come out the other end of this.

It also took a lot of professional hours — with a counsellor, an occupational therapist and a psychiatrist working with us, and our son. Of course, it’s an illness that is not curable, but it is manageable and I am relieved to be at this stage. It took quite a few years to get there. Perhaps this young man is self-medicating. I hope they are seeking professional help as well to address issues like that.

If these grandparents would like to talk with grateful parents who had a similar situation, please feel free to pass my name along. I think my mother-in-law would be more than willing to chat with them as well. You may forward this email to them too.

— Whatever helps! Manitoba

Dear Whatever Helps: Thanks for writing in with your story and offering support. I got other letters saying grandparents should be free and having the time of their lives in their retirement, going down south and such, and not be bothered with grandkids in trouble. It’s not for everyone, but devoted grandparents like you said “Nonsense!” to those ideas. Hats off to you!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am unbelievably, painfully sad and lonely. I’m in my early 30s and have never truly been in love. I yearn for romance so much it hurts, and it is making me depressed. I moved to a small town to work a few years ago for a teaching job and love it. I have good friends, a good job and a nice home, but no one to share my life with. 

I have tried meeting people but they’re either no good (alcohol issues, cannot keep a job) or they are not interested in me. I keep busy by going to the gym and joining different activity groups with the hopes of sparking a romance, but nothing. I have asked to be “set up,” but my friends do not really know of anyone, as most people are married where I live.

I’ve been told by people that I’m too good for the guys in this town as guys don’t want a girl who’s both better-looking and more successful, as it’s too intimidating. I’ve also been told I come off as “too desperate,” which I agree with, and guys like a girl that’s hard to get.

I feel I’m at a crossroads in my life as I’ve met every “single” man in town, so now I need to figure out if I should stay and hope romance will find me or if I should move somewhere with more fish in the sea but lose my great group of friends and my job. What should I do? Do I stay or do I go, and how can I not be so painfully sad about being single, because I smell of desperation.

— Small-town Blues, Manitoba

Dear Blues: Instead of thinking negatively, imagine this: You look for another teaching job in the city and prep for it this summer, but also visit friends in the country on weekends and meet all kinds of people online in the city during the week since you have eight weeks off every summer.

Your top consideration right now is finding a man to share your life, so stop doing more of what doesn’t work! An unmarried woman in a small town is not an attractive mate to someone living in the city with an established career. 

You might meet one new man per year in a small town whereas you could meet 15 new men a month if you moved to the city and got busy with online dating. It’s a numbers game. Once you’re married, you might move back to a small town close to the city and commute. But when it’s time to time to find a mate, you need to look at the averages and move where it makes sense. If you’re busy dating in the city, make a point of marking off weekends here and there to go visit your country buddies. It’s not an either/or proposition, but you’d better start job-hunting ASAP for a teaching position.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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