Tone it down, or get wife into gaming

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This article was published 29/03/2020 (2307 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife has a special talent for only ever asking me to go to the store or clean up our one-bedroom apartment whenever I play video games. It’s like the sight of my having the nerve to enjoy myself makes her mad. Every time I log in to play with my buddies she waits until we are in the thick of it, and then starts giving me a hard time and demanding I do all these things.

I’ve even experimented with it, because it’s so predictable: If we’re at home and nothing is going on, but we are sitting on our phones and watching TV, she is fine. But then, if I stand up to play games on the other side of the living room, she gets irritable and eventually asks me to clean the kitchen or bedroom of our apartment. What is her problem? My friends say their wives do the same thing to them.

— Young Husband, Osborne Village

Dear Young Husband: You are in a bubble that excludes her, in a small apartment. She can see and hear you talking and enjoying yourself for extended periods of time with male and female players while she’s right there, being ignored. She’s watching you interact and make funny comments she doesn’t understand, laughing and having a lot of fun. So she feels left out and jealous. She feels angry in the “shared space” living room.

Turn this around. If she had a daily computer-gaming party going on in the living room with male and female friends, and you felt excluded and had to go to the bedroom to get away, you’d sometimes find yourself annoyed and wanting your half of the living room back.

A solution for your one-bedroom apartment could be a high folding screen that blocks off your computer and gives her back the feeling of owning the bigger part of the living room when you’re busy playing games. Or maybe it’s time for a two-bedroom apartment with the small bedroom used as a computer room where one person could play and shut the door. Or, if you don’t mind sharing video gaming friends, you could teach her your favourite games and both of you could play at the same time, with other people in a group.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a man in my late 50s and my wife recently passed away. I say recently, but it was almost two years ago. I still miss her like crazy. My friends and family want me to get back into dating as I am clearly depressed, but who’d want to date a depressed, widowed guy like me? Am I always going to feel this way?

— Down For The Count, Windsor Park

Dear Down: Family and friends don’t know what you’ve been going through and that you’re still wearing the bandages under your clothes. Pay no attention to their prodding, or bark back at them if you have to get them to back off a little. It takes a long time to get up off the ground and want to take part again, socially.

Right now you can’t start dating anyway, unless you want to stay two metres apart, or only have phone or online dates. That probably doesn’t appeal yet, as you feel you’ve lost your desire to date and still miss your wife. Counselling would help with the depression, but now is not be the time to start face-to-face with the COVID-19 situation on. (A few relationship counsellors do offer phone or online help.)

So get practical, and think back. What indoor hobbies have you had in your life you could resurrect? If you can get your mind and imagination involved, build something or perhaps take an online course and you could start having mild fun with no pressure to just “get over” your wife. Then, in a couple months or so when the COVID-19 social-distancing precautions are no longer necessary and you start to feel restless, you will start desiring connection.

That’s the time to start in at Adventures for Successful Singles (adventuresforsuccessfulsingles.com) and join their Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends group and/or their group for widows and widowers.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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