First step is sorting out why you strayed

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/03/2020 (2028 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is mad at me and I understand why. I cheated on her. I don’t know why I did it. I was drunk. I just don’t know. She found out recently and we have been fighting a lot. I thought she’d leave me, but she seems intent on staying. 

She’s miserable and taking a lot of liberties in the things she does and says to me, now that she clearly has lost respect. I don’t want to live like this, but I also don’t want to have to be the bad guy a second time and be the one to break up the marriage. What can I do?

—  Guilty, But Fed Up, St. Vital

Dear Guilty: It’s hard to say to somebody, “I’m leaving you because I cheated on you and you’re being rude and nasty about it.”

What you really need to do is see a counsellor alone and figure out why you cheated, drunk or not. Is your “marriage feeling” so weak, that after getting drunk, cheating was suddenly on the menu for you? 

Think back. This probably wouldn’t have happened when you were first married, no matter how drunk you were. Why? Because your love feeling would have been strong, and you probably could have gone home inebriated and your wife would have said, “Come to bed, you mad fool, and let’s do something about these amorous feelings tonight, or tomorrow morning.”

Write back and tell me how you and your wife have been doing generally in this marriage… before you cheated. Maybe there’s something that can be fixed, and maybe not. It’s worth trying — or are you past wanting that?

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My grandma is very religious and has been quite vocally railing against me for living with my fiancée. Every Sunday dinner she goes after us at the big family table. She claims we are “living in sin” and all the other classic lines. We just feel like we’re normal. Practically everyone lives with their partner before getting married now. It only makes sense. 

The good news is we love each other and really want to get married, so it will happen, but until then, how can I bring grandma around and stop her from flapping her gums and upsetting my fiancée? Is it even worth it?

— Tired of Being Insulted, Old St. Boniface

Dear Insulted: Phone grandma up and tell her she’s giving you “Sunday night indigestion.” After that stab at humour, stand up to her like a grown man your lady will still want to marry. 

Let her know if she can’t behave politely at family dinners, you won’t be joining these get-togethers again until she can, and everyone at dinner will know why you’re missing. Tell her to realize your skipping the big dinners she attends could last until after the marriage, which she will certainly be invited to, whenever it happens.

Grandma won’t like this after being allowed to be a bully! Keep the conversation brief, and warn your mama this is going down. Be even-tempered in tone, and if grandma goes into another morals rant on the phone, tell her this is exactly what you intend to avoid from now on. And that’s especially around the woman you love and respect, and will be marrying in due course — if relatives don’t turn her off joining the family.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.