Secret savings can spark marriage trouble

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This article was published 31/03/2020 (2329 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is driving me nuts because I just told her I’m buying my dream car — an exotic vehicle of my choice. I’m buying it with my quietly saved money, without her permission. It is my money and she has her own savings, I’m sure. Believe me, she has more than I do, from her work. 

I will put in my 50 per cent of all the bills and everything else, as usual. Nothing changes. This is my car money I have saved for some years and I am ready to buy now.

She is partly mad because she didn’t know about this savings fund — I kept it secret from her. Yes, I am married to her, but she is not my parent and not my boss. What can I say to get her off my back? By the way, we have no children and don’t plan on having any — just a big dog.

— Car Is My Choice, Right?

Dear My Choice: If your wife had saved big money for a secret, exotic trip with her girlfriends that didn’t include you, and suddenly dropped that information, wouldn’t your nose be out of joint? She thought you were a team and that everything would be shared — including information about money. This shows you have a different view of money and marriage, and also that you feared criticism if you told you her about the car fund.

There are two ways to look at this, as a couple. You can look at this as an opening for both of you to have more personal freedom with your personal money after bills and savings are covered. On the other hand, secret personal funds may be divisive to the trust of your marriage and she may start a “Leaving Fund” — just in case. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in love with a man who won’t have me because he says his parents will reject me because of my colour and make my life miserable. I am not white like my guy, who is a bit of a mama’s boy. Am I foolish to pray things will turn out and we can get married? I don’t want to marry a conservative guy from my culture who lives in Canada. They can be just as repressive! I want this man.

— Wanting Him As My Husband, West End

Dear Wanting: It seems this is after the fact. He has told you he won’t have you and blamed it on his parents. He may not have wanted the marriage himself! If he did want to marry you, and his mother could talk him out of it, he is definitely not the right man for you.  

If you are to have an interracial marriage, then your mate has to be extra strong so his parents aren’t allowed to put down his wife to her face or anywhere else, and they must treat her with respect, if not love. This guy would not be that kind of strong, mature male.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: What is the proper way to remove food from your mouth at dinner when it is not chewable or distasteful? A napkin isn’t always available.

— Wondering, Winnipeg

Dear Wondering: Head for the bathroom and quietly spit it out into toilet paper and flush it. Then wash your hands with soap for 20 seconds. When you come back to the table, smile as if nothing special has happened and rejoin in the conversation. 

If someone asks why you left so fast, and what you were doing in there, you just say “one of the things you generally do in a bathroom” and change the subject. It doesn’t matter how abruptly your change of subject comes out, it’s up to someone from the rest of the table to take up the new conversation, or smoothly change the subject again. Bathroom questions for the person who has returned are beyond rude.

 Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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