Leave details of family infidelity in the dark

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/06/2020 (2300 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went to the cabin with my mother recently to open up the place, and we had a long talk with drinks that started at dinner. We both had quite a few cocktails, and mom kept on going. She got pretty smashed and she started talking about dicey things — like her marriage to my dad.

I knew my dad had an affair many years ago, but they patched it up — or so the family thinks. We never knew who it was, and she started confessing and I could feel she was about to tell me everything. I put my hand over her mouth, locked her eyes to mine, and said, “Don’t tell me his name. Now go to bed — PLEASE, MOM!” I led her to the bed and put her into it, fully clothed. She passed out immediately.

The next day she acted as if nothing had happened — no awkwardness, nothing. It was like maybe she’d had a blackout. I don’t think she remembers anything.

Now I’m obsessing like crazy over over the name — who it might be, and if I know him. Is it a family friend, her former boyfriend, somebody at her work, an uncle, a younger guy? WHO? Please write back ASAP.

— Dying to Know the Secret Now, Lake Winnipeg Area

Dear Dying To Know: Your first instinct — to stop that secret from coming out — was right. By sending your mom to bed to sleep it off, you operated in smart relationship-survival mode. You forced your mom, who was clearly drunk and out of control, to stop confessing. You may have escaped a nightmare by not knowing that name.

Now you need to let your obsession about who the affair partner wear off.

Consider this: Your parents got past that long ago. It does not need to be dug up and re-examined. It’s over, but the identity of the man involved in that affair could ignite unnecessary fires for you.

You are not your mother’s best buddy. You’re her vulnerable daughter, and there’s a big difference. Unlike an old pal of hers, you could be shocked and very hurt by the information arising from this intimate secret.

Don’t go back looking for the name, now that you’ve escaped the possible trauma of hearing it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It’s really hard to accept the fact I’m newly married to a person who doesn’t care about getting together with relatives. He doesn’t like his own very much and he doesn’t care about mine, although he likes my parents OK.

I was so crazy about him that we got married fast, in a small ceremony. He loved the idea of the quick, intimate wedding. I foolishly thought we’d gradually get to meet all his relatives later, and he’d want to meet mine. Not going to happen! He says he doesn’t see the point in having to befriend a bunch of people just because they’re related to me.

He probably has “nothing in common” with them, he says. But he married me, and I’m a blood relation to them! Miss L., I love my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. He doesn’t have many relatives and he says they’re “not worth knowing anyway” aside from his mother, father and one sister.

I recently found out some of the family on his dad’s side have been in trouble with the law, and he doesn’t want me to meet them. He says, “Go see your relatives if you want. You have your own car. I’ll never stop you from going to visit!” He says I can go to parties and spend weekends with my “horde” of relatives this summer, but not on his time.

I didn’t realize what a loss my big family might be for me. All of a sudden my husband doesn’t look the same to me; he looks more like a human blockade. Please help.

— In Big Trouble, St. Boniface

Dear Trouble: The first year of marriage can hold a lot of surprises, good and bad. Marriage counsellors see a surprising number of couples in their first year — especially those who weren’t together long before marrying. This may be just one of the bumps in the road. Some really big ones can pop up, yet it doesn’t have to be the end. Take heart! Counsellors are trained to help with compromises and solutions.

In your case, you’ll probably have to make the first move to find a good counsellor. If necessary, go alone first. A good thing to learn — alone or together — is “fair fighting” techniques, to help work things out without unnecessary animosity.

You should also learn ways to slowly introduce your husband to family members he might like. The “horde” word is a tip-off he doesn’t want to meet a whole bunch of relatives at once. Perhaps he’s shy and not used to being the interesting new focus in a group of people who know each other well. Good luck!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into a too-charming ex-boyfriend in the drugstore. I hadn’t seen him in a number of months. He looked like he was back drinking again; he could never hide it from me. I could smell the telltale fumes of beer, and he’s also smoking cigarettes again.

He had tried to hide from me in the store, but I spotted his messy blond hair at the cash trying to escape, and quickly approached him.

“How are you doing?” I said, and looked him straight in the bloodshot eyes. He gave me the old line he always used to shut me up: “You’re not my mother.” I said, “Thank God for that!” and flounced off.

That night he called me to talk, and every night since, for a month, we’ve been talking for hours. I don’t know how to get rid of him.

— Same Old, Same Old, Osborne Village

Dear Same Old: You’re mad, but it seems you’re not finished. You have to want to get rid of him, first. Then you’ll stop answering the phone and/or you’ll block him, so he can’t get through for you two to talk all night.

Have you considered going to meetings with Al-Anon (mbnwo-alanon.org), for friends and family of alcoholics? At this point, it seems like you’re still attached and have to come to terms with your feelings for this guy. You need to learn ways of dealing with those feelings — and with him.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.