Desire for kids comes from place of love and trust

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This article was published 21/06/2020 (2295 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother-in-law is great, and she is just pushing 50. I married a woman much younger than I am (I’m in my 40s) and this is the treat that goes with it — a young-thinking mother-in-law. She and her husband often get together with us (two metres apart!) on the back porch and have a great time singing, as we are all musical and my mother-in-law plays guitar. So far, so good.

I loved my life, until a week ago on that deck. My wife who is in her early 30s — and never wanted children before — says she is so in love with me at this point she wants to try for one baby. She announced it, as if expecting everybody to cheer.

Ta-da! I started choking on my drink. I already have three kids and I thought this was going to be a honeymoon-style second marriage with a career woman. My mother-in-law asked, as I was turning green, “How do you feel about this?” and all I could say was “Shocked.” My wife had tears starting, and my in-laws knew it was time to get out of there.

I never wanted another baby along with diapers and crying in the night. My wife is looking mutinous. I would die if she left me — I love her so much! Help!

— Terrible Situation, Winnipeg

Dear Terrible Situation: Your first reaction will not be your last, because shock wears off. Nor will your second reaction (possible grief at the loss of your honeymoon marriage) stick around forever, so don’t be reckless. Watch what you say carefully right now. The idea of a baby between you, and all its ramifications, will sink in — for the bad and good.

First, your wife gave you the biggest vote of love possible. She never thought of children until she had deep feelings of love and trust for you. I’m guessing you are a good dad to your children, and she has seen that. Second, one baby for a couple can be easy and a lot of fun — and you are experienced. A lot of second-marriage couples have just one child, and it’s way easier than three kids all under the same roof all the time. Also, your first family’s kids may love the baby, and want to help with it, too.

Don’t be selfish and lose this younger woman you love so much. You have three of your own, and she has none. Let’s be dead practical: Your wife may decide she really wants a baby, and if you’re selfish and forbid it, she’s young enough to move on and find another younger daddy for her baby. When you realize you really want child, there’s no turning back.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m so bored with my life sometimes I wish it was over. I worked hard all my life, and am retired five years and never had any time for hobbies. Some of my best friends are already dead, and no one comes over anymore.

I can’t play my favourite sports — tennis and squash — because my arms get sore. I have a small paid-for house and I give it the upkeep it needs, but since my wife died more than five years ago, I don’t bother with the garden. Who’s going to appreciate it? Plus, it’s a lot of work. Miss Lonelyhearts, if you know so much, what should I do?

— Bored to Death, North End

Dear Bored: You are very grumpy indeed! It’s a sulky attitude that comes through loud and clear, and you need to change it if you want warmth and friendliness in your retired life. Consciously making a decision to be glad you’re alive, instead of six feet under or desperately sick in hospital, is a better way to start each day.

Like many others, you have escaped an early death through modern medicine, decent food and a salary. There is much left to enjoy, trust me. I will put you onto activities and groups, but you will only become friends with the other people involved if you smile and offer an outstretched hand.

So here’s a challenge: Sign up for three activities this week, starting with a racquet sport developed in 1965 in the U.S. called pickleball — much easier on the body than your old favourite racquet games. You can play it outdoors in good weather and indoors once the gym you want is back open. People love it!

The game has nothing to do with pickles but was named after a dog called Pickles who kept wandering on the court when people were first devising the game. It’s a bit like table tennis played standing up on a smaller badminton-sized court with a lower net. Check out activeagingmb.ca/active-living/pickleball for more information.

You can also sign up with organizations that need volunteers and give them at least half a day each week. A good place to start might be Winnipeg Harvest. The volunteers tend to be kind and friendly, and some are people who have needed the service themselves at some point. For more information about volunteering, visit at winnipegharvest.org.

When you’re helping other people — particularly if you make them happier and you can see it — the gift comes back on you and you’ll feel happier yourself. That’s exactly what you need.

Now for the social scene. For making a host of friends, check out Manitoba Seniors Centres at manitobaseniorcentres.com and look for a location near you for lunches, arts and fitness classes, social activities, bus trips and other services for the 55-plus crowd.

As for your garden (which is just sitting unused), you might offer it to a neighbour, a relative or somebody you know who lives in an apartment and might love to garden again. Take up this challenge, and let me know how it turns out!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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