Don’t mistake nurse’s compassion for anything more

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/08/2020 (2178 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Last year I was hospitalized for three weeks after a random violent assault, and I cheated death twice.

While in the hospital ward, I met a health-care worker and we talked all the time. At the end of every shift she would stick her head in the door and wish me, “Good night, see you tomorrow!” In the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, I’d go to the hospital chapel and fill out the prayer request slips for her blessings. I was unexpectedly discharged on her day off, and never got to talk with her. There were others who gave me hugs and handshakes.

I can’t help but think of a line from the movie As Good As It Gets. Actor Jack Nicholson tells actress Helen Hunt: “You make me want to be a better man.” That may be a Hollywood line, but there is absolute truth to it.

My question: After the virus subsides, do I reach out to her, or do I walk away as though nothing ever happened? Meeting this lady was the best thing to come out of my violent experience. To walk away would be a hundred times worse than the violent attack which precipitated my hospitalization. What do you think?

— Recovering, Winnipeg

Dear Recovering: People suffering the way you did often feel a warm attachment to a particularly nice nurse. When you are in pain and recovering in a bed — that is your whole world. You need help to do so many things, and your nurse helps and offers encouragement. Feelings can form, usually from patient towards the nurse.

You could send a note of thanks to her ward, and say how much her kindness helped you get through the violent assault. That’s not out of line. But declaring anything else in the way of caring about her, wanting to see her again and, certainly, referring to her being single and unattached, might make her feel uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t send a note, however. Too often special nurses go unthanked. P.S.: You might use the “better man“ quote as your last line. It’s a classy one.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I always read your letters and enjoy most of your replies. In regard to Depends on Depends (the woman who can’t sleep with her sweetheart for fear of an accident), I couldn’t resist responding. I’ve been there for many years and have tried a host of medications that did not work for me.

Finally, a urologist suggested a bladder Botox injection, which has been an absolute miracle — good for between four and six months for me, when it has to be redone. Some financial cost is covered for the 20-minute procedure. I have saved a fortune in pads and feel so much more confident about not having an accident.

— Happier Now, Manitoba

Dear Happier Now: Bladder incontinence can be caused by different things, especially as the body ages. But it can also be caused by motor vehicle accidents and other situations. The difficult part for some people is who will have to pay for the Botox — insurance or yourself, and it’s not cheap. Your urologist will know the latest on possible coverage. Luckily, the needle doesn’t hurt much and it can usually be done in a doctor’s office as an out-patient.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Three men have loved me deeply in my life and I didn’t love them the same way. I married two of them and the third one is my sex buddy now. I don’t love him either, but I love sex, any way I can get it, even from a guy.

The thing is, I love one certain woman — my best friend. She is straight and she doesn’t know I would die for her and want to make love with her. At least I don’t think she knows. If we talked about it, I think it could only do us harm as friends. I think I may have my chance when her husband dies, but that could be decades from now!

Another friend of mine has been trying to convince me I should reveal my feelings, and then if she rejects me, I will finally be free to face it, find another woman and come out of the closet. I guess there’s some merit in that idea, but I like the tight friendship we have now, and it might be destroyed. What do you think? Got any ideas?

— Hidden Love, Downtown 

Dear Hidden Love: You’re not happy hiding these feelings, and here’s the interesting thing — there’s a chance she already knows. She may feel it back, or she may not.

You could take a chance on mentioning you are realizing you are bisexual at the very least, and see how she responds. She may be interested or just sympathetic to the difficulties of it.

“So much for marrying guys!” would be a good way to find laugh in it and ease the tension. Judging by her reaction, you might want to tell her your feelings for her — or maybe not!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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