Step up for sister’s family in any way that works

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This article was published 04/09/2020 (2183 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my niece and she wants to come live with me — her single-by-choice auntie — as she is the oldest in a very large farm family and has become the maid, babysitter and one of the two cooks.

Her mother (my younger sister) doesn’t want to let go of her oldest and best helper, but admits ruefully she leans on her eldest too hard.

There are an equal number boys and girls in the family. The girls are expected to do all the housework and baby-watching while the older boys work outside with their father in the barn and fields, and it’s very hard for everyone.

Mom supervises the house and gathers the harvest from the huge gardens she plants with some of the kids in the spring. Grandma lives in southern Ontario.

I’m a career woman in a large centre nearby, making good money. I can well afford to keep this teenage girl, and would love to have her. She says she’s ready to “run away” to me.

But, I can see her mom is about to collapse from the child care, plus the cooking, washing, and canning of all the food produced in the large gardens.

The father is a nice, hard-working, family man, but he has big black circles under his eyes too. What do you suggest? — Single-by-Choice Auntie

Dear Single Auntie: I suggest you lighten the load for everybody, without appearing to steal the oldest daughter.

Can you buy a large deep freeze and start a canning and preserving kitchen at your house? You could do it with your niece and maybe another older sibling or two and an adult buddy of yours. That could lift a large part of the food-preserving burden from your over-tired sister.

Does the big family need more household automation — like two dishwashers, two washers and a giant dryer? Ask them if it would be OK to buy some large early Christmas presents as you will never have a family and want to help now.

Tell them clearly that you have nobody to spend it on, and want to help — no strings attached, no payback.

Also, ask to keep a couple of kids at your house on the weekends (not just one) and lighten the parents’ load that way as well. Go out and get them at the farm on Friday and take them home Sunday after dinner.

Then you will have a taste of having children yourself, while maintaining your single state. You’ll become a very special auntie to them as they’re growing up!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had an abortion and it’s torn my relationship apart. We both still want to be together, but he’s struggling with getting past the termination.

He says he still loves me, but has to find a way to get past this. How can I help him?

He’s afraid it’s something that will happen again in the future, and he wants a family. I want a family with him too, but this felt like it wasn’t the right time.

How do I help him get past this and work on our relationship? — Too Soon, Manitoba

Dear Too Soon: He wanted the baby you accidentally made together, and you did not. Men have feelings in these situations, too.

Granted, it was your body and your decision to make, and you made it. But it seems that didn’t resolve his feelings about the baby.

You have to accept he may not feel the same love and trust with you anymore. He has a right to his feelings about keeping that baby, just as you had a right to your feelings about ending the pregnancy.

Reassure him that you do want to have children with him later, and would not have another abortion, but you were too young to be ready for a child at this point.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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