Suss out rationale for need to tell all

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This article was published 30/09/2020 (2193 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is a character. Sometimes he’s a pain in the posterior, but he’s far more interesting than any other man I ever met.

But now something has come up that I can’t stand: he wants to confess his experiments with same-sex partners, which happened before he decided “for sure” he was straight. He says he wants to lay everything out on the table.

I shouted, “Stop! I don’t want to hear what came before me. I only care who you are now.”

He looked disappointed. He wanted to confess all to me, and get this hidden stuff out in the open. I understand that in my head, but not in my heart.

He encouraged me to tell him “all my stuff.” I had a wild life, used party drugs and did a lot of uninhibited things. But I had calmed down and had a great career starting when I met him.

I don’t want to compare my embarrassing old stories with his. I knew before I married him that he’d done some experimenting with both sexes. Big deal! Who didn’t?

Now it’s almost 10 years later, and I don’t want it all dredged up, as I thought we’d started fresh with each other. — Plugging My Ears, St. Boniface

Dear Plugging: We all know that old saw “confession is good for the soul” but it depends on who’s doing the confessing, to whom and for what reason.

Is he feeling free and safe enough with you to “tell all?” Has he been feeling guilty up to now? Is there more to come? Like, has he been experimenting again?

Before you shut him down, ask him outright if that’s what this is all about. He didn’t feel the need to get onto this subject for the last 10 years, but now here it is, front and centre. A tad suspicious!

By the way, you shouldn’t feel the need to “tell all” to match his stories. People in relationships have different needs when it comes to revealing their pasts. And we all change somewhat over the years.

You, for instance, calmed right down. Maybe he’s revving up, trying to open the door again, or else he has old guilt feelings that need absolution.

Though it’s upsetting, you love him and should hear him out, and then decide what, if anything, you need to do.

More suggestions for Dragon Breath:

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I regularly have horribly bad breath and my husband calls it “buffalo breath.” I got my tonsils removed as tonsil stones were a cause (but not the only one) and subsequently got a clean bill of health from the dentist and the doctor. There was nothing they could do.

The biggest problem for me was being told I had bad breath, and my husband describing how bad it is and how it makes him feel to be near it. That hurt a lot, and often put me in a very defensive position. At times, he also felt he couldn’t tell me, because he knew it felt like an attack to me. After a few long talks, where I told him how his words make me feel, we strategized and shifted to a problem-solving approach.

If there’s nothing medically causing this breath, then it must be something in my everyday life I can control. Part of this approach was for my husband to agree not to describe how bad my breath is — he just has to say “you have bad breath” and the hurt and defensiveness are hugely reduced. This wording gives him the ability to talk about it without hurting me.

From there, we started figuring out what was causing my bad breath. We would compare my diet and activities on a bad day to my diet and activities on a good day. We were able to suss out some patterns. My bad breath can be caused by instant oatmeal, yogurt, too much coffee, too much sugar and not enough water. Also, if dinner is late and I’m ravenously hungry, that also causes bad breath. I think stress causes it too.

I can’t avoid bad breath entirely and some bad-breath days have no cause that we can discern, but being aware of these triggers have hugely reduced incidences of bad breath. It’s gone from almost daily to maybe once every two weeks.

Our language has also shifted. Instead of saying “you have bad breath” my husband will now ask, “What’s your water intake like today?” going straight to the problem-solving stage. The biggest step forward was for me to feel like we were on the same team. Hope this helps! — Buffalo Breath, Manitoba

Dear B.B.: Thanks so much for writing! Many readers will benefit from learning the constructive ways you and your husband handled this difficult and embarrassing bad-breath issue. Congratulations on your excellent problem-solving techniques.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve had “dragon breath” a few times. When I was in my late 30s, it gradually got worse over about a month and even I could tell. I made a dental appointment, but before I went I had severe abdominal pain and was rushed into surgery. My appendix had been leaking for ages and finally burst. I had severe peritonitis and was very ill.

Other dragon breath incidents have been caused by sinus infections I had not even been aware of. — Leaking Appendix, Winnipeg

Dear Leaking: Seeing the doctor early is best. We should all do regular breath checks with our loved ones, because we are the last to taste and smell it, and let it go until it’s too late. Thank goodness you got help in time!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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