Don’t indulge characters from past you left behind

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/10/2020 (1839 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was startled in a large grocery store to hear my old name called out from someone in the back of the line at the checkout.

I’m not talking about my single name. I changed all three names after a bad time many years ago, and have totally become that new, improved person. This woman called my old name — a personality I left behind because I was such a loser then.

I didn’t turn around, although I knew that squawky voice of hers in an instant. She was into the same stuff I was into — bad choices. In fact, I left my purchases on the checkout counter, and took off out of the store. Thank God that woman stayed in the lineup.

I knew it was a mistake coming back to Winnipeg, even after so many years, but my partner convinced me the city has expanded so much that I’d never run into old gang buddies again. She just wants to be close to her large family. I pretty much don’t have any family left here I want to see.

I don’t care what my partner says about staying! I feel like I’ve been found and I should never have come back here. I don’t want anybody to come looking for the old me. I don’t want anything to do with people from my past life. I have changed so much and come so far.

What should I do? Please help! — Don’t Want to Drown in the Past, Winnipeg

Dear Don’t: Other than changing shopping areas, you just need to freeze out anybody else you run across you might know from that old life. The freeze works like this: “Hello. Sorry, but I’ve got to go.” Don’t pretend you don’t recognize the person, as they have already recognized you.

If, as I suspect, you left behind a life of crime, gambling, addiction and violence, you don’t need any of these characters from that past life and you have the choice not to do anything more than nod and utter those few words.

You don’t need to make conversation of any kind or explain you have a new name now.

If this city continues to be difficult for you, explain to your partner you can’t stay here, but that you’d willing to come back for visits with her family or even finance her trips home alone.

You obviously overcame a lot, started a whole new life and it was a good move. You don’t owe it to your partner to be close to her family.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have somebody I call “my love bug.” She is divorced with kids and I am separated and heading for divorce, with a jealous ex.

If my ex actually knew about my girlfriend and where she lives, she’d try to scratch her eyes out. My ex is a wildcat, and not in the good way. I wish she’d get a boyfriend and forget about me.

My new lady is gentle and the opposite of her. I don’t want any harm to come to her, so I have never asked her to my little house, but I am becoming a fixture at her place. Her young kids like me, and I think we may have a future.

The problem? She wants to come to my place for some uninhibited love-making, instead of sneaking around at her house, when the kids are hopefully asleep.

I know my ex creeps by my house in her car regularly, spies on me and hassles me by phone day and night. She’d go crazy and bang the door in if she thought I had a woman in there. Her anger is escalating weekly. — Scared of My Ex-Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Scared: Just as a woman can get a protection order, so can a man who’s being stalked and harassed, so tell your lawyer ASAP.

Many behaviours constitute harassment, like circling your block to look in your windows, using binoculars to spy, following you with her car, calling you repeatedly in the wee hours (otherwise known as “bed-check”). For more information, check out wfp.to/protection.

Your ex may also make surprise drunk or sober visits to your door, and/or make a lot of nasty phone calls — not just arrangements for visitation. So try to keep your visits at the same time every week, so there’s little need for phone calls about pickups and drop-offs.

As for your girlfriend, hold that line. Wait to have her over to your house (a potential minefield right now) until your ex has the papers from your lawyer and the divorce proceedings are definitely in motion.

Exes who are still enamoured are sometimes so emotional and crazed with jealousy and anger they disobey legal orders to stay away.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.