Put in the work to build your bubble romance

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/12/2020 (1775 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Wonder of wonders, I met someone attractive who is not sick, and has the COVID test to prove it, like I do. We work in jobs that are quite isolated, and neither of us trusts our crazy friends, so we made a pact to be in a tight little romance bubble for as long as this relationship will go.

Our mothers are the only two people we see because they are both living on their own — one divorced and one widowed. My father has his own new family and my new girl’s dad lives back on the farm.

The trouble is we have become everything to one another in a big hurry, and I’m not that interesting a guy — not a big talker, and I like nature walks. I’m pretty good in bed I’ve been told. (I’ve had a few more years experience than she has.) But, I’m afraid I’m not interesting enough to keep impressing her every week. Mostly we sleep at her place, because it’s cleaner, and has more food. Help! I really like her and want to keep her happy.

— Scared I’ll Bore Her, Wolseley

Dear Scared: Play to your strengths. Take her on nature walks in the snow, and on drives in the country on the weekends, and point things out to her that you know about. You could also bring a bag of ingredients over with a cookbook, and make her something different for dinner. Psst! Since you’re at her house more, you really should bring food regularly and help with the cleaning up.

Instead of playing on the computer, consider board games, where you’re looking at each other and joking while you play. Finally, gently interview her about what interests her in bed — and deliver what you know you’re good at — as that’s important in new romance!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve had the most unfulfilled life imaginable. I married the man of my mother’s dreams. He’s a very successful professional. We never wanted for anything, believe me. You’d think I’d be grateful. Well, I was. I was the perfect wife and mother, the most welcoming hostess, and I held many board positions for philanthropic causes.

I also gave him two beautiful children. They are now out of the house, living their lives. Now, I’m feeling more and more like an imposter in my own life. My mother knew my secret. She made me feel like I had a mental illness — she said that “loving females was a sin and I’d grow out of it.” Grow out of it? I’m not getting any younger, and enough of my life has passed me by. What am I going to do? I can’t keep on…

— Living this Lie, Winnipeg

Dear Living: Instead of continuing this charade and feeling like a martyr who wants to break free, consider this: You might be setting both you and your husband free. Your husband hasn’t been getting all of your love and passion, ever. You don’t say if you played the dutiful wife, or were actually a good actress in bed and perhaps enjoyed the sex to an extent. Still, the lack of enthusiasm and tenderness after sex, is usually noticed by one’s mate.

Let’s look at some possible scenarios, after you confess: he is mortified, angry, and feels duped; he is curious and turned on and wants to add a woman to your bed, thinking it’s a fantasy thing; he confesses he’s had another lady all along, because you weren’t enthusiastic; or he’s terribly hurt and it takes a while for him to recover, but then he moves on.

You’ll be sorry if you live out the rest of your life playing a role and never having what you truly desire. If you two are in your 40s or 50s, there’s still lots of life to be lived (and loved). It sounds like you’re ready to do that. Best of luck with coming out.

It might be really rough while you get the nerve to reveal your feelings. Consider talking this over in safe over-the-phone sessions with a counsellor, as there is so much to be worked out before you speak the bald truth to your husband. It may be a shock to him or he may already suspect and has wondered if it would come to this one day.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My son is almost 20 and lives in the third-floor bedroom-with-bath upstairs. He works the afternoon/evening shift every night. Lately, he’s had this girl drive him home, and she parks a little down the street. They come into the house and go straight upstairs, passing our bedroom door. She usually tiptoes out about 2 a.m.

I know these things because I peek out the bedroom window where my husband and I can see the sidewalk. We want to know who she is and what they’re doing, but he’s 20 in a few months and they’re doing what most young couples do until 2 a.m. It’s none of our business.

My husband says, “Well, he’s not paying anything to live in this house. I deserve to know!” I laughed, “You want our son to pay you to have sex in his own bedroom with a young woman? You’re nuts!” Besides, I reminded him, we told him to stay there for free and save for his tuition fees next year.

— Shaking My Head, Tuxedo

Dear Shaking: So, your husband wants him to get you two out of bed, and he can make a formal introduction to the girl he’s going upstairs to entertain in his bedroom? He’s dreaming! That introduction would be extremely awkward — mom at the bedroom door in her robe, and dad sitting up in bed?

Look, your husband is going to have to accept your son is a grown-up now, and deserves some privacy. If this relationship becomes something important, you can invite her for brunch on a weekend, and no doubt he’ll be curious enough to come and finally meet the woman.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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