Call out tech tormentors from position of strength

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This article was published 30/03/2021 (2023 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a quiet guy who works in tech, and many new companies need my skills. As a result, I usually work for myself, as well as a few small companies.

There’s a problem. I received an offer from a tech startup in another province. It’s a group of guys who run the small company and they talk like they’re in a locker room, calling each other a bunch of rude names.

I get called “The Nerd” all the time, and they pretend it’s all in jest. They sound like ignorant pigs to me, but I don’t get paid to tell them that.

I’m smarter than they are, and I know they actually mean what they say and just hope I’m stupid enough to let it roll off my back.

I’m tired of it, but I’m worried about losing this lucrative gig if I say anything. I could live without this project, but it pays so well!

What are some good ways to talk to jerks like this? I just want a normal work experience with them. — Uncomfortable Coder, south Winnipeg

Dear Uncomfortable Coder: Working with verbal bullies and taking their disrespect is not worth the extra money or the wear and tear on your mental health. Creativity complicated by emotions and nervousness doesn’t generally work well.

Start looking for a replacement side job right now that pays well enough. Then give the guy who hired you a serious heads-up that you’ll move on to other gigs if the name-calling and disrespectful attitude doesn’t stop. The boss who allows this may well be one of participants, or he may value your work so much he kicks the porcine butts of the guys who deal with you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mom has always been obsessed with her body weight and is endlessly running at the gym to stay thin.

Even as a young girl I thought it was ridiculous, but I must admit she used to look great at the time. Now she’s 20 years older, and she looks gaunt, deeply lined and unhealthy — and a bit like a witch.

Her obsession with being thin has made her frail-looking, with sunken cheeks and stringy legs — she has long bones and some muscle, but very little flesh.

She comes off as shallow, as she obsesses over her looks and to tries to elicit compliments from anyone who’ll listen.

It’s also not a good vibe between us anymore. After a life of her critiquing my body, I feel like I get a free pass to criticize hers, but I’m just not that type of person.

I’m worried about her health, though. What do I do? — Concerned Daughter, St. Vital

Dear Concerned: Don’t ever get so upset you tell her she looks like a witch! That one insult could set off a fire you can’t put out — with any amount of backtracking.

Since you see her shrinking away and are seriously worried, call her doctor and report that she seems to have lost control and that you’re worried anorexia could be an issue.

Become an amateur nutritionist for yourself. Let Mom know you’re getting into body consciousness in a healthy way for your own good and try to share what you learn. She may grumble, telling you she’s your mother and not to cross the line, but she’s likely to listen if you use a friendly tone — not a critical one.

You could look up information on how much extra weight a person needs to carry for “health insurance” after a certain age, should they get ill. Also research the nutrients people need per day, and volunteer to do some shopping for her during this pandemic.

If she wants to run to burn off a few calories, that’s OK. But she can’t afford a nutritional deficit and more weight loss.

As for her critiquing your body, you can be sure she will rev up the criticism once you start trying to educate her. Let it roll off your back!

You are family and in this “Game of Life” together. She carried you for nine months and gave you life, and now you’re going to trying to preserve hers.

Being the first to express some love, and dropping the negativity can go a long way towards repairing a critical mother-daughter relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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