Don’t let empty-nest strife scuttle long marriage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 31/03/2021 (1973 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I got in a fight that exploded into unloading all the feelings we’ve held back since we had our kids. The last one moved away to the city two years ago for university.

Neither of us are willing to talk, and it’s making home life difficult. I started giving him hell over the way he made dinner — opening a few cans, throwing on some bacon, grabbing the ketchup. I tell him over and over again, his dinners are unhealthy, but, he never listens to the things I tell him.

So, he — the 250-pound lug — told me I should have made him dinner, as he works all day. As if I don’t work eight hour shifts — and at a medical job!

That got me calling him useless, and him saying I must love to be fat, because I haven’t lost weight since I had the kids about 20 years ago! I’m so angry I want to tear his face off, but obviously I can’t.

I want to leave him as soon as I can, but my mother told me I should at least try to work it out. What do you think?

— Done With This Marriage, eastern Manitoba

Dear Done: It’s common for empty-nesters to have a fighting period and a reckoning once the kids and their many distractions are gone.

They were your giant project together, and most of your attention was directed at their needs. Now that’s over.

Boredom and inactivity are the worst enemies for couples. If you turn your full attention back on your partner, it’s easy to see their faults, lay blame on them and fight.

Don’t give up too soon! Your original happy marriage could be buried under this resentment. Before you do anything rash, you need marriage counselling so you don’t make a mistake you regret for the rest of your life.

It’s true your marriage has a giant hole in it and needs a reset in several areas.

If you want privacy, go to counselling in a different community nearby so people you know from your area don’t see you and speculate there’s trouble in your marriage.

Sometimes counsellors will have you split that first long appointment, so you can both speak alone and openly, and get it all out there without omitting the angry words.

In one of the first early appointments, a good counsellor will teach you the rules and techniques for fair fighting when you encounter problems at home. You’ll also need to start looking for some new adventures, sports you can do together like golf, hiking, tennis, or perhaps buying or building a little cabin somewhere. When COVID restrictions eventually ease, there will be lots of new activities starting up again.

As for the nutritious cooking you desire, get some health-conscious cookbooks and take turns using the recipes. Then go for walks! There are so many parks to check out in the province — could be fun!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work with a good office group, which mostly connects remotely from home during the pandemic. This one other guy and I are always at the office, handling everything from there.

We have everything worked out just the way we want it and people are comfortable and happy, but now we hear rumblings of a shake-up.

I just heard from a mole this week that the big bosses are planning a shuffle of our staff to “make it fresh.” What the heck does that mean?

We suspect they’re just bored out of their minds and don’t have enough to do right now. How can we get them to see there’s no need to change anything? It already works!

— In the Dark, Downtown

Dear In the Dark: It might be working well for you, but that doesn’t mean it’s working well for everybody. In fact, some people may have complained.

Upper management is not likely going to be telling that to office staff like yourselves. So maybe now you should try to get involved with the reorganization somehow, so you can at least have a hand on the wheel.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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