Ex’s charm can’t mask potential threat of harm

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/04/2021 (2002 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently found myself in the arms of a man I used to date, who at the time, was an awful boyfriend. He yelled and screamed and shook me! We were just teenagers when we dated and a lot of time has passed — 10 years.

He says he’s changed, but I didn’t believe him so I asked around, and it turns out he was just as bad with his last girlfriend — yelling, jealous, controlling. His recent call to me came five months after that last breakup. Did I mention he’s really good-looking?

I must be going nuts. It has been two weeks of “hanging out as friends again” — and he’s been perfect company. He swears he’s changed and that he got some counselling, although he’s very vague about it.

I just don’t know why I’m doing it. I guess I’m lonely. Should I break things off before it gets too intense? Or, is it possible to just see him casually?

— Maybe Just Friends? North End

Dear Maybe: Dump him now, before you get a black eye! This guy is the perfect example of the Surface Charmer. He knows how to do the first part of a relationship, and then lets his control go once you’re hooked emotionally. You have recent evidence this still happening with him. Why won’t you believe it?

Tell yourself out loud; “I don’t need another round of abuse, and that’s what’s coming!”

If you can summon the nerve, call up his last girlfriend. She will probably be more than happy to fill you in. Feeling lonely is normal for most people during the pandemic, but it’s better than walking into an abusive relationship.

If you need to talk to someone, counselling is readily available online these days. You could contact Klinic (klinic.mb.ca) for more information.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My lesbian girlfriend and I, who have been together since we left our husbands, are hitting a rough spot. We’re bored of our lives as the pandemic drags on.

I must admit I wanted a woman as my lover, not my wife. Men don’t appeal to me sexually although I can play along with a man — but there’s never an orgasm for me, so it’s not that exciting.

Get this! My ex-husband phoned last weekend and offered me “a second chance, no questions asked.” I said, “No! Have you not heard a thing I said when we broke up?” He said he thought it was a stage — an experiment I needed to have — and he’d wait for it to be over, because he loved me. I don’t want him or any man, now that I’ve been with my first woman.

But here’s the embarrassing problem: I’m becoming bored of her already, and I’d like to be free to find a woman I love like crazy.

We’re all young in this — in our 20s — and there are no children involved. What do I tell my ex-husband to make him give up? As for my girlfriend, I’m tired of her possessiveness but I don’t want to be alone. Help!

— No Options? Downtown

Dear No Options: You know for sure now your sexual preference is for women. That’s a good thing for you to know, but you may have to be single for a few years and date a number of women in your search for a new serious relationship. That’s how it goes in love, for almost everybody of any sexual orientation.

Tell the truth about your feelings to your girlfriend now. Unless you take a chance and free yourself up, you can’t meet anybody else. It will require patience, but the reward of a great new partner will be worth it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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