No need to lie: better to trust gut and tell it like it is

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/05/2021 (1956 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ran into a guy I used to teach with, and he couldn’t wait to tell me he wasn’t teaching anymore. He went back to university and totally changed professions. He used to have such a crush on me, and I used to tell him it was impossible to get together because we taught in the same school.

The first thing he wanted to know was if I was still single! I lie and told him I was dating someone seriously. It just popped out of my mouth. I don’t want him any more now than I did 10 years ago. Then he started probing for details, so I told him it was none of his business. He he looked hurt and embarrassed and made excuses to go. I saw the glint of a tear in his eye.

Why did I lie? Why didn’t I just tell him the truth like I should have long ago, when we taught together, and he was flirting? But how do you say to someone, “You’re just not my type and I don’t want you?”

— Liar, Liar Pants on Fire, St. Boniface

Dear Liar: You could have said, “I can’t explain it, but we just wouldn’t work out together. I know that to be true in here (point to your gut), so please don’t ask for a better explanation. I can’t give it.” If he persists, you say, “There are no rules to a romantic match — it’s just feelings.” He will probably shrug, or give you a look like you’re crazy, but it’s better than dissecting his personality or criticizing his looks.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work in sales for a company that requires me to leave town for several weeks at a time. I recently started to suspect my longtime girlfriend is having an affair, and not with another guy. In the last few months, our sex life diminished to the point where the recent stretch of three weeks I was home in Winnipeg passed by with no sex — nothing at all. All she could do was talk about this great new girl buddy she’d found!

This time, the day before I left, she was with me ran to the bathroom in the middle of texting. So, I picked up her phone and snooped.

She was texting to try to calm down her girlfriend who was jealous of me. She said she realized she loved her more than me. Ha!

I laughed it off as girl talk — just trying to calm down her friend. But now I’m not so sure. Is it cheating if it’s with another woman or is it just women being affectionate?

— Confused and Competing? Downtown

Dear Competing: Time to wake up, my friend. You’re actually competing with a woman now — and losing. There was none of the usual warmth and sex in this last three weeks of your time together. Nothing for you! It seems your lady friend has lost her sexual attraction to you, and is all wound up over this “girl buddy” now. Perhaps your girlfriend is fascinated, but hasn’t done anything yet like full-on sex, but it’s highly likely she’s been experimenting.

What does it matter? Bottom line is your girlfriend’s behaviour tells you she really didn’t want to two-time her girlfriend when you were here. So treat this like any other breakup you’ve had. Lesbian relationships are just as serious, and the cheating can hurt just as much. Womanly sex is not just sweet affection, or comforting one other, as some men like to think.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lost 37 pounds during the pandemic, and I’m receiving a ton of compliments online. Guys are seeing my photos and messaging me — guys who never would have looked at me a year ago. It’s flattering, but it all feels so shallow. Like, now that I look great all these people are finally willing to talk to me? I can’t help but look down on these people and I worry my attitude online is becoming toxic.

So what is the right way to go? Do I roll with it and accept all this new attention, or stand up for girls who might be a bit overweight like I was?

— Confused Slim Girl, East Kildonan

Dear Confused: Do you not believe any attractive man or woman at a healthy weight could possibly be sincere? It seems you don’t. Yet, you are!

To attract a new love during a pandemic, photos and written words are mainly what single people can put out there. You have attractive pictures now. So, what purpose does it serve to look down your nose at people who are attracted to you? Who knows, they may have had to work hard at exercising and eating well to keep off unwanted weight as well.

But the problem runs deeper, doesn’t it? Maybe you should deliberately go after the men who are not so attractive, and give them a chance. Or, do you need to put some weight back on, and see if you can find men who must be sincerely attracted to your personality?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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