A bit of tact, planning can prevent bitter legacy

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/11/2021 (1785 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: As a highly sensitive person, I decided a long time ago I shouldn’t bring children into this world who might share my condition, which is often incredibly painful.

I do have nieces and nephews I love, from their late 20s to early 40s, but I have difficulty connecting with them. I’ve done things for them and have given them gifts, but rarely get any acknowledgement, let alone a simple thank you.

I expect to have a sizable estate when I pass, and after the latest blatant example of ingratitude, I came to realize I don’t want to include most of them in my will. I feel they’d take it for granted. I’d rather it go to charities I know would really appreciate the help.

The dilemma? There is one I’d want to help, but how do I include only that one and not the others? I don’t want to talk to my siblings about this. As a childless adult, who am I to tell them they haven’t raised their children the way I would like?

Can you suggest a way I can do this without leaving a sour legacy?

— Torn Old Guy, Manitoba

Dear Torn: Sprinkle the inheritance around. Leave some money to your surviving siblings, smaller amounts to all the nieces and nephews, and their children. Leave a bigger amount to the one person you really care about. The rest could go to charities you want to support. Good of you to be so thoughtful!

P.S.: Contact a lawyer you don’t share with anyone in the clan — one who specializes in estates and wills who has seen the grief bad wills have caused. That lawyer will have some smart alternatives for you to avoid creating family problems.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a lovely person with a big heart — and no common sense. I worry about her. She lives in a tiny apartment even though she could have so much more! She sits in her living room, drinks tea and reads books.

She belongs to an online book club, and she goes to the grocery store nearby. That’s her whole life, as far as I could figure out — until today. I accidentally found out she has a boyfriend, because he came knocking at the door.

Apparently, he lives down the hall. He’s good-looking for an old guy — lots of silver hair tied back hippie-style — and they obviously like each other. I don’t know what to think now.

— Worried Daughter, River Heights

Dear Upset Daughter: Your mom is happy, so don’t even consider meddling. The only problem she has is you — your discontent and criticisms of her.

Now let’s talk about the “silver fox” for a moment. A “man friend” living down the hall is an older woman’s dream. She doesn’t have to cook and clean for him, and they can both go home when they’re tired of each other’s company. They have their own places, but they can be romantic on visits — or not. And, they don’t even have to go out in the cold weather to see each other in the winter.

Your mom loves reading books, so she’s not feeling restless and dying to go out to socialize, and COVID isn’t quite over yet, so that’s also good. Instead of being a drag on your mother’s life, come over and celebrate her with gifts of books and treats. Also ask to borrow a book she’s read, so you two can discuss it. Be very nice to her sweetheart, who watches over her. Give him your number, in case she’s ill. Then smile and get off your mom’s case and share in her contentment, while she’s still available.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography