Real love means ditching courtship facade

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/11/2021 (1440 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m finding out my “perfect” young wife has some very unsexy habits she’s showing now we’re married and she thinks she’s got me! With winter arriving early, she’s actually been jumping into bed and planting her freezing feet somewhere on my warm body. I’ve told her it’s not cute, and I’m not her hot water bottle.

A week ago, I’d had enough, so I disengaged her feet and rolled to the far edge of my side of the bed. So last night, she arrived in the bedroom in pink flannel pyjamas, thick red socks and a hot water bottle. “Hello Granny,” I said.

She didn’t reply, just flipped open her book and started reading. I went to the bathroom and bent over to read her book title on the way back — Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away. The author is some dude called Gary Chapman. I said, “You must be kidding!” and she raised one eyebrow, and said, “Try me.”

How could she be so petty? I recently pledged my whole life to her, and she’s acting out because I don’t want her cold feet planted on my kidneys every night? What is this marriage made of?

— Disgusted New Husband, Portage la Prairie

Dear Disgusted: You may have presented yourself as near-perfect during the engagement, wedding and honeymoon — as did your beloved. It’s what people often do if they don’t choose to live together beforehand and reveal all their annoying little habits.

Now both of you are showing your plainer colours. We all have these, along with the attractive ones we display while “courting.” That’s an old-fashioned word to describe the impressive dances people do when they’re seeking to mate for life. They try to show their best, because they’re not fool enough to show their worst!

You should know that Chapman dude who wrote the book your bride was reading is well known for his relationship book The 5 Love Languages. You’d be wise to read it, so you can better understand yourself and your wife as two distinctly different personalities.

You might surprise her by showing up in bed in your own striped flannel pyjamas and a book by the same author she’s waving been around to get your goat. Go flannel against flannel and have a debate on each of your different ways of showing love.

Why not demonstrate to your wife you have a sense of humour and you’re ready to wrestle with her psychologically and sexually? You can find lots of fun ways to make this young marriage strong, instead of tearing it apart.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was out shopping with my husband, when I saw him stop and take a woman’s hand. With his other hand, he brushed something off her cheek. I suspected it might be a tear. She took off when she saw me coming towards them.

I said a little too loudly: “Who was that woman?” He said boldly, “An old love. I had a life before you came along, you know!” That shut me up. I used to be married to someone else too, a man who loved me dearly, but loved the bottle more.

Things feel kind of stilted between my man and me now, and we need to talk things out, but what can we possibly say? We both have histories of other loves.

— Stymied, West Kildonan

Dear Stymied: You might admit to your husband you felt jealous when you saw him holding his ex’s hand and then wiping her tears away. He might say, “I felt sorry for her, because it hurt her so much to see me with you.”

Then you could ask: “What would it feel like if you saw me talking with my ex-husband and he was holding onto me?” As guys do, he’d probably make a little joke about challenging him to a fight. That would lighten things up between you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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