Cure hubby of his retrograde notions

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/12/2021 (1406 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband’s family are old school, coming from another country. His mother never worked outside the house. Her full-time job was her family and home. Each day she’d have the house spotless and a big dinner and freshly baked dessert on the table by the time her family arrived home.

After dinner, her husband and children would retire to the living room to enjoy TV. She’d clean up and do the dishes all by herself. I saw this play over and over while I was dating my now husband. His mother always looked exhausted, and I’d try to go help her. Her husband would call me back.

At first my husband didn’t think anything was wrong with the way his family lived. That was until he saw the way my family helped each other. My problem is this… my husband is normally very helpful, until we have his family over. Then he turns into his father. He leaves everything for me, even joking to his dad that HIS woman knows her place in his home. Really? I’ve had just about as much as I can take!

When pushed, my husband actually said he wants a wife “more like his mother,” and I’ve “got it easy comparatively with all my modern appliances.” And, get this, he is not sorry for what he said about me to his father! We’re hardly talking now. I don’t want to make up by giving in on this issue.

I don’t work outside the home, but I did have a career. I’m very busy raising four children — but that’s “not work,” as my husband has informed me. What now? We’re a stalemate, and I do mean stale.

— Feeling Angry and Disrespected, West End

Dear Disrespected: As angry as you feel in a fight, it’s always good to know what someone has really been thinking. You say your husband was normally quite helpful, unless his dad was over. So, your husband is afraid of being thought unmanly by his father. Deep down, he may also resent the money it costs to pay for everything.

Your husband may secretly picture you with your feet up, drinking coffee and chatting with your friends in the afternoons, while he’s working full-time. So, make a list of everything you do for the four kids and him — cleaning, baking, laundry, helping with homework, transportation, taking kids to appointments, counselling a child who’s troubled about something. Then there’s making three meals a day, refereeing fights, and getting kids to bed.

Ask him if he’d like to take on a generous chunk of that, so you can go back to work half-time, which would be a lot less nerve-racking for you and would bring in more money.

You might also want to talk to your father-in-law alone, as he may be running interference in your marriage. Is he criticizing his son in a low voice so you can’t hear? Is he prodding him to “be a real man” and lay the law down with his wife in the kitchen? Shining a light on his dad’s behaviour makes it harder for him to pull off.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve read a number of letters in your column in regards to family parties, and the noise and confusion. It reminds me of a problem we had a number of years back (before COVID). Holidays were coming up. We wanted to have a traditional meal with all the children. The problem? How to entertain the kids, while keeping them from running loose. A long meal with adults is boring for them!

To that end, I created a form of loot bags. I searched the Internet for colouring and game ideas, printed some off, went to Staples and had them copied and collated into a little book. The dollar store was great for small boxes of stickers and crayons and colouring pencils. The children got their own table and a loot bag each. The teenagers, and young adults who were present snatched up the extras.

The adults enjoyed their holiday dinner and the children enjoyed the evening, and the (relative) silence was enjoyed. I hope someone can use this idea.

— Cagey Grandma, Winnipeg

Dear Cagey Grandma: It looks like New Year’s 2022 is going to be pretty quiet again this year. But, a time will come when we’re able to invite the whole gang again, which can often involve over-excited kids needing something fun to do. This is a smart idea for people to stash away.

Please send questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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