Family food fight a recipe for discord

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This article was published 29/12/2021 (1750 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I thought I’d be nice and try having my difficult mother-in-law over for dinner again. I’d spent the day cooking and baking, and told her not to bring a thing. “Just come and relax,” I told her.

The queen mother arrived, with my husband bringing in some stuff under tea towels, and headed straight to the dinner table. What? I hurried upstairs to change into my new holiday dress.

As we sat down, I noticed some of my traditional dishes had been replaced on the table!

My husband noticed my upset and said, quickly, “Nothing better than my mom’s cooking!” Did he think by his saying this it was OK for his mom to replace my dishes?

No way! I went straight to the kitchen and brought my dishes back in, and plunked them down on the table — hard. My kids instantly reached for them, as they’re teenagers and knew the battle was on.

Just as quickly, my husband reached for his mother’s perogies — and she looked sideways at me, with a little smirk. I wanted to wipe it off her face! I’m not the best cook — but I try. I was proud of myself that I hadn’t given in to her tricks, but my mama’s-boy husband was mortified.

He lived with her until he was 38. What does that tell you? So now, his mother’s taken to openly competing with me under my own roof? I won’t have it.

Trouble is, things have turned pretty chilly in the bedroom with my husband. I’m sure his mother would be happy if she knew that. What should I do?

— Unhappy Wife of Mama’s Boy, Fort Richmond

Dear Unhappy: Talk to your husband about letting go of the fight with his mom — from your side. Tell him you won’t be offended if he wants to visit his mom on his own for some dinners with his favourite foods. If you don’t make a war out of this, his mom may feel she’s won back some private visits with her son, just like old times. No doubt, he’ll enjoy that — much more than being the man in the middle.

Still, invite mom-in-law over here and there to see the grandkids. Expect her to accept your invitations very rarely at first, and then a little more.

Look, your husband’s not going to leave you and the kids and move home with his mother, unless you two divorce. So be the one to instigate a warming up of your relationship — and that will also feed into the bedroom scene.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My college-age son has been spending a lot of time with another young man, and I’m pretty sure they’re an item. I love my son and I’d love him regardless of who he’s attracted to.

I want so badly to tell him I think it’s OK, but I feel like I shouldn’t be bringing it up with him until he has brought it up with me. Am I right? Should I wait?

— Supportive Mom, North Kildonan

Dear Supportive: The matter of his sexuality is his story to tell, when he wants to. He might not know the final chapters himself yet.

It’d be best if you didn’t ask your son outright if he’s gay or bisexual, or any other label, although you should certainly show your liberal stance. He may be experimenting, or he may simply be a friend of a guy who seems gay to you.

You might tell him you like his new friend, and that might elicit a confidence about the nature of their relationship — or not. Your son just needs to know you love him unconditionally, and that you’re open-minded about people’s choices of love partners. That will give him a feeling of safety.

Not telling you right away about his sexuality doesn’t mean he feels he can’t. If he doesn’t know yet, let it be and accept developments as they come. He certainly doesn’t want to be labelled or, worse still, mislabelled.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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