Be sensitive with both moms’ feelings

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/04/2022 (1579 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My birth mother showed up in my life and I really like her! My adoptive mother doesn’t want to hear about her, or meet her. I don’t know why.

I like my birth mother because she even looks like me, but she was never there for me, when it counted. My adoptive mother will always be my real mom.

Yet, somehow I wish my two mothers would meet! Why is my adoptive mom dragging her feet?

— Wishing Moms Would Meet, Garden City

Dear Wishing: Your adoptive mother may be worried you’d compare them — and you might love your birth mother more. That would hurt her very much.

Your adoptive mom might also be worried you’ll want to get really close with your birth mother and she’ll be pushed aside. Also, you should know the two women may never feel comfortable being “buddies” and may actually feel like competitors.

Enjoy knowing both your mothers, and try to handle the situation sensitively. From your birth mother, you could possibly find out about hereditary health issues. She might also tell you your birth father’s identity if you don’t know it, leading to more knowledge about your background. That information could be very helpful throughout your life.

Be aware that your adoptive dad might feel threatened, just as your adoptive mother does, and tread lightly.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I got fed up during two years of COVID and working at home. It felt like we were two mules chained together 24-7. We’re both stubborn and annoying to begin with, and the forced togetherness made us worse.

We own another part-time place I never liked. It’s a small lake cabin — and hot. We inherited it. Like a lot of women, I refuse to go to the lake until it’s hot in July, and the lake is a perfect temperature to go in.

My husband insisted this year he needed to go to the lake early and start practising so he could join a band again. Mid-life crisis or what! He started going out there for overnights on his days off.

One Sunday morning, over a month ago, I was so lonely I took off to the lake to see him.

When I pulled into the snowy cabin, my husband came flying out to greet me with a kiss — not like him to do that. Then I heard the screen door on the other side of the cabin slam, and someone took off into the bush.

On a hunch, I walked back outside to the road and got the licence plate and make of the only car there. It was quite a way down from our place. I had a feeling I recognized it from somewhere.

Turns out it belongs to the female singer from my husband’s old band. And yes, they were “a thing” once — and now they’re at it again. He says he’s not leaving her!

I quickly moved in with my oldest female friend. I’m feeling nothing now, just “flat-lining” as my counsellor says. The last of my love is draining away.

So, what are my options now? Revenge was at the top of my list, but now I’m just too tired.

— Can’t Even Do Revenge, Transcona

Dear Revenge: Revenge is a waste of time, energy and self-respect — and requires too much looking back and focusing on your ex.

You may feel like you’re stuck in neutral, but that’s OK after a big shock. Your mind and body are resting up, and you’re starting to heal. The best revenge? Feeling better and enjoying life more than you ever have!

Sketch out a time line with ideas for projects, travel, adventures and perhaps a whole new area of study or career. Talk about the time line with your old friend who remembers you when you were happy and doing well. Then share it with your counsellor, and decide what’s feasible and how to get started. Beginning even one new thing can start elevating your self-respect and mood.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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