To find connection, get out and get involved

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/04/2022 (1311 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m divorced from a wealthy man, who has set up university education for our kids next fall in his new city. They’re going down to get settled and to explore the city in July. Their dad is a good father and he misses them, and I understand that. Secretly, I’m not too sad they’re going! I have a secret agenda of my own, as I’m younger than my ex-husband by quite a bit.

I want to try some new things! I have a few guys I chat with on Tinder now. I’m really thinking of finding a boyfriend who’s younger than my ex. I want to feel young again! Am I asking for trouble, or is it OK for me to live a little? My old friends, who are mostly married, will think I’m desperate or nuts, but I feel like life is too short!

— Mama’s Hungry, Winnipeg

Dear Hungry: It’s understandable you feel restless and want to find a more exciting social life than being the odd woman out in your old couples crowd. Rather than spending all your time shopping for new men online, here’s a different idea. Consider volunteering for spring and summer events where you’ll meet many new people, of all ages. Whether you’re interested in sports, arts or charity work, you’ll find a corps of friendly volunteers at events — plus you’ll get to experience the events for free.

Volunteers have a better social life than most people, and a good number of them are single. Volunteering at an event you like makes for easier conversation with new people, and it’s much safer. Meeting a stranger online can sometimes be good, sometimes awkward and on occasion, a bit scary.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m living with a man who obsesses over his work, and the anxiety is starting to become unbearable! He was such a fun, attractive, albeit cynical, man back in school, but now he’s just this angry man. We’re not married, but we have “a life together” and both work full-time jobs.

I worked in my office across town all through the pandemic, and he worked at home. I dreaded coming home and having to listen to his negativity all night. How do I tell him I’m at the end of my rope?

His anxiety is already hard to take, and he’s on medication. I worry I’m starting to catch anxiety from him. I don’t want to drown in another person’s misery for the rest of my life — even someone I once thought I loved. Is that being selfish?

— Angry and Getting Anxious Too, East Kildonan

Dear Angry: You aren’t married and you don’t mention any children, so now is the time to remove yourself. There’s a difference between being selfish and practising self-preservation. Free yourself, and get some post-relationship counselling so you don’t make the mistake of blaming yourself for your ex-partner’s state of mind.

It might also be a big relief to him. You say he spouts negativity about everything now. That can be typical of someone who doesn’t want to face what they’re really angry about. Perhaps part of his problem is not liking his relationship with you anymore, and being too scared and anxious to tell you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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