Admiration not enough to sustain marriage

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This article was published 22/04/2022 (1647 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband thinks he’s a nice guy and a great lover… Let’s just say he’s a nice guy.

That’s why I married him. He’s a good provider, a fantastic friend and he loves kids.

As a lover, I must say I’ve had much better and not that long ago.

This week I found out (in a fight that almost ruined our marriage) my husband has also done some experimenting outside the marriage because I “don’t want sex enough.”

That’s not true! I just don’t want it much with “Mr. One and Done.” Why didn’t he just keep quiet? Things were working fine in our marriage just the way they were.

We are both excellent parents and have had a great friendship. Now everything’s a hot mess.

How can we get past this and regroup? I don’t want to break up what we have.

— I’m Furious With Him! Garden City

Dear Furious: It looks like you have an open marriage now, whether you want it or not. Are you big enough to tell your side of this story — that you also see others occasionally for sex? That is the question, and the likely answer is… maybe not.

This would be a good time to see a marriage or relationship counsellor — both together and apart — to work out what each of you really want. Also, might your husband be interested in finding out how to slow down his sexual response?

Look, you may need to separate and establish two households — but it may be possible you don’t. It’s worth it to look for ways to succeed as a couple when there’s a lot you do admire about each other.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend and I are 17 and she’s popular for her looks and interest in activities. I’m Mr. Nice Guy who drives her everywhere in my car. She treats me like a big puppy. She doles out cheek kisses like I would dole out dog treats.

She never kisses me for real. She also likes another guy at school, but he doesn’t have wheels and she’s a girl who likes to go places. Her parents don’t have much money, and mine have more. They paid for half my second-hand car, and I have a part-time job to pay for the rest and the gas.

Today I saw her kissing this other guy, and it wasn’t a cheek kiss. I hated it, but I don’t own her. What can I do?

— Wanting to Be More to Her, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting: Lying to yourself never works, so don’t try to un-see what you saw. Your emotions are all over the place, and you need to tell this girl what you witnessed.

Take a big breath and ask her for the read-out on what the situation is with this guy, and with you. It’s likely she just wants to be friends (and it doesn’t hurt that you have a car). But, chauffeuring her around keeps you from looking for someone who would really want you for her boyfriend.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We have a similar card cheater to the husband in “Ruining Family Games Night.” (I told the wife to confront her husband, who cheats his own kids. —Miss L.)

In our family, we’ve made it into a joke. We tease the cheater when he does it. It’s something for the rest of the family (as well as extended family and friends) to watch out for. We check his sleeves now and then! It’s all done in fun now.

We just accept it as part of his character, because we love him. Otherwise, he’s a kind and generous person.

— Aunt of a Games Cheater, Manitoba

Dear Aunt: Your approach is a fun one, but it’s not good for the father of a family. Parents have a lot of influence on kids’ values, and Dad’s cheating might make his kids think it’s cool. That’s a dangerous belief that could lead to trouble with family, friends and store security folks who take a dim view of dishonesty.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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