Mom common denominator in marital woes

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This article was published 20/04/2022 (1600 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new wife couldn’t have been nicer to my mom when we were dating. But ever since the wedding, there’s been a wall of ice between my mom and her. I don’t know what has caused it.

Neither one is giving any clues. My wife claims she has “no idea” and my mother says she “didn’t do anything.”

Well, somebody did something, and it’s causing me a lot of stress. I remember now that this happened in my first marriage, too.

I think it may have something to do with being the only child of a widow. Can you help?

— Stuck in the Middle, Dauphin

Dear Stuck: Two marriages, and coldness in both soon after the ceremony? There’s a common denominator here — your mother. She may not do anything, but she may quietly create division by silently dismantling her friendship with your wife, who’s your new No. 1 woman.

It doesn’t take angry words. Here’s a lesson in the “Art of the Snub” for you: You can easily cut someone out with a cold tone, lack of smiles or laughing at jokes, not replying with more than a few words, or by disagreeing strongly but not backing it up with any reasoning.

Why would a mother do this? Your mom may be afraid she’s lost you — the only significant male in her life. Also, she wants to be able to see you and talk to you privately. Now that you’re actually married, you may be acting like you’re joined at the hip, as newlyweds often do.

It’s time to make a deal with your controlling mother. Start by talking with her about the possibility of seeing her regularly and privately, if she will agree to start treating your wife warmly when you all get together. This bargain could help all three of you get what you want.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just met my girlfriend’s ex-husband and didn’t know it. We met because of business. His last name is so common I didn’t put two and two together.

Besides, he uses his serious given name for business, but my wife refers to him by the stupid nickname he’s had since he was a kid.

I have to admit, I really liked the guy. Now that he’s not drinking anymore, I could see why my wife married him. However, I also know the drinking and cheating stories he starred in.

This morning he called my work to follow up on a business deal he wanted to make with me. I told him I realized a bit late who he was to my wife, and I couldn’t do it. He was offended. He said he’d call her and talk some sense into her!

I lost it and said, “Now we’re seeing your real colours. Don’t even consider it, or you’ll wish you hadn’t!”

I hear he called and talked to my boss about the business I just lost the company, and said I threatened him! What should I do?

— Not Backing Down, St. James

Dear Not Backing Down: Congratulate your wife on leaving Mr. Less Than Charming, and talk to your boss openly about the personal situation. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to do, but it should quiet everything down.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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