Playing fast and loose with serious words hurtful

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This article was published 21/07/2022 (1534 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a 41-year-old and recently divorced. Three weeks ago, I gave my body to a man who said “I love you.” But now, he’s disappeared. The one time he talked to me after that, he claimed he was drunk when he said the L-word to me. “And after all, we were in bed,” he laughed. As if that was an excuse!

He claimed he was just having “fun” with me. I guess I phoned him too many times after our night of “love.” He doesn’t even want to see me anymore. I’ve been banished into cellphone oblivion.

I’m getting older, and I’ve been seriously wondering if I should give women a try. I think a woman might be more sensitive and caring. I’m not very attracted to women, I don’t think, but then I haven’t seen one naked since we used to go nude swimming as teenagers.

Something’s got to be better than middle-aged drunken men — the only time I see single men is in a bar. I’m not interested in a “rinse and repeat” situation every weekend, but that’s the only place to meet somebody at my age. Do you think I should give women a try? I know quite a few from sports, and a board game I play.

— Fed Up With Men, Windsor Park

Dear Fed Up: The men you meet at the bar only account for a tiny percentage of the men in the world. To meet a bigger cross-section, you need to get more active. Where are they hiding? Everywhere. Start doing some charity work or volunteering, or get involved with a new sport or community project.

As for which gender you might date, you could be more open than you’ve ever been before, but don’t use women as experiments.

Try everything all at once, and see what happens. Be a welcoming person — but in no particular hurry to date people of either sex. Let people come to you, so there’s no repeat of a goof who says “I love you” just for fun.

P.S.: You’re not alone. People of all ages have problems with the “I love you” declaration. See the letter below.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran away from my first real relationship because I was scared. She was perfect, but I was only 17 when I met her. She was 19 and a lot more experienced, with two major relationships in her past.

We went out for two months and then she said “I love you” to me, but I was not ready yet, and backed off. In fact, I ran. But then, I did a lot of thinking over six months, and decided I was finally ready for her, and for true love. I got up my courage and called her to tell her that.

She said, “Who do you think you are? You broke my heart. Now you say you’re ready, so I should come running back? Forget it!” She hung up in my ear. What happened? I thought real love lasted forever. Did she not really love me when she said it?

— Second Chance Not Happening, West End

Dear Second Chance: Early romantic feelings are sometimes termed “infatuation.” They are exciting, fun, hot and passionate. Many people mistake infatuation for love. Your feelings for this older girl cooled fast when she voiced the scary “I love you.” What you need to know is this: You didn’t “love” and lose. You felt infatuation, and then your brain “worked it“ into what you thought might be love.

That’s not how love works. You still have real love to look forward to in the future.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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