Compassion may get you out of daughter’s dog house

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/10/2022 (1450 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My daughter is in her late 20s, and when she moved out, she took the dog we gave her as a teenager. This dog has lived a long life full of love, but she’s circling the drain now.

My daughter is putting herself into financial ruin trying to keep her alive. Even if she had the money, it still seems cruel to prolong this poor animal’s suffering.

I tried to approach my daughter about this, but she accused me of being cruel and heartless, and won’t talk to me about the subject now.

I love my daughter and I also love this animal like one of my own — I even call her my “dogter”!

It’s killing me inside. I just want to be merciful, and now my own flesh and blood thinks I’m a monster. Help!

— “Heartless” Dad, St. Boniface

Dear Heartless: This is your daughter’s dog now, and her baby. You’ve said your piece and it has gotten you nowhere but in trouble. Let’s hope you didn’t use the “circling the drain” comment with her!

You must back off now. These kinds of upsets go so deep, they may not be forgiven or forgotten. You must trust her dog’s vet to talk to her personally about what’s best. Vets have been in these situations many times, and know how to communicate.

Still, there is one way you could possibly help. Vet bills can pose financial problems for young people, so if you can, just send your daughter a gift of money ASAP to help with treatment. Make sure to let her know there are no strings attached, and also offer her an apology for your insensitivity and the resultant conflict.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been dating a man for a while and the two of us get along really well, and it’s been great. He’s fantastic with my kid, and we reached a point where we wanted to discuss moving in together.

At that point, it came up that he has $30,000 in line-of-credit debt, and no savings of any sort. He works for a very small company, so never had a pension and didn’t contribute to RRSPs. We’re both near 40 now, and I have no interest in adopting this man’s debt nor supporting him into retirement. He makes enough money to get by, and did show me that he was getting ahead prior to all the inflation this year, but now he has slipped backwards.

In terms of paying it off, I love him, but I’m far too pragmatic to take on such a risk. How do we move forward from here? If I wait for him to pay it off, it will be years. Even if he does pay it off, he’s still decades behind in retirement savings. Can this be saved?

— Unromantic Discovery, West Kildonan

Dear Unromantic Discovery: This man can no doubt feel your concern, which is heading towards disdain. Your comment that you’re “too pragmatic” to take on such a risk speaks volumes. Money shouldn’t matter, but it does to most people when it’s a large amount.

Barring an unexpected inheritance, you two are out of balance financially. That doesn’t bode well for living together. You could continue to date and enjoy each other’s company, but the debt issue is a tough one, now that it’s exposed. Someone who feels their partner’s disdain often cools off and sexual feelings subsequently diminish. Perhaps you’re already experiencing the same thing on your side.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my ex-wife downtown on a sunny fall day last week and she looked every bit as gorgeous as she did when we were in college together, and madly in love. Her long red hair was streaming out behind her and she looked like an autumn nymph. I stopped her and told her so, and she laughed in my face! She called me a crazy poet. Why do my exes always look so much better once we’ve split up and moved on?

— Nymph’s First Husband, downtown

Dear First Husband: Women who are attached to a guy who’s causing them trouble don’t feel the contentment required to look their best. But, once they’ve moved on from that troublesome partner, joy and exuberance can move back into their lives, and their natural beauty reasserts itself!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography