Reassure upset son there’s plenty of love to go around

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This article was published 12/10/2022 (1454 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A son from my first teenage girlfriend — from a pregnancy never made known to me — has found his way to my place in Winnipeg. We won’t need to do any paternity testing, as he’s the spitting image of me. I really like him and my wife does too, but my young teenage son I had with her is green with jealousy. He won’t even call his stepbrother by his name, just refers to the older boy as “him.”

We have taken the big boy in for as long as he wants to stay, and he’s even got a job with a friend of mine. The problem is with my younger son being such a jerk now. My wife, who has been so gracious and welcoming, said to our son, “If I can accept that your dad had a serious girlfriend and a love life before I came along, without feeling any less important, why can’t you accept this addition to our small family and not feel any less loved?” He just walked away in silence. Please help us deal with him.

— Sad Dad, north Winnipeg

Dear Sad Dad: The son you created with your now-wife was your one-and-only for years. He was also the undisputed heir to the family kingdom, whatever that consists of. Now here comes this “kid” from the other side of the blanket — and horror of horrors — he looks just like Dad and he’s an OK guy. Your son is feeling entitled and territorial.

If the new guy had been kind of a screw-up, there wouldn’t have been such an issue. But no, he had to be a solid guy, so now the only strategy from your son with your wife seems to involve being such a jerk, the new guy will go away.

So, what you need to teach your upset son ASAP is the concept of “expanding love,” which occurs when new children come into any family. The first kids born do not get tinier pieces of love, because parental love amazingly grows and expands so everybody gets more love. Surprisingly, many parents don’t teach this important concept.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother’s new boyfriend is way too interested in me. I go to university, and I live with her. He’s over too much. The minute I come into the room and he’s there, he’s patting the seat beside him, and asking me all kinds of questions about my career. Sometimes he literally turns his back on my mom, to fuss over me.

I notice it hurts my mother when he makes a special deal out of me, like yesterday when he said to her: “I bet this is just what you looked like when you were young!” He was totally implying she’s the old version. I saw her face redden. I muttered, “That was rude” before I left the room. Now Mom is giving me the silent treatment. It’s not up to me to apologize, and I won’t.

— So I’m the Bad One? St. Norbert

Dear Bad One? Tell your mom exactly how you feel about the way her boyfriend fusses over you, and compares your looks to hers. Tell her you think he lacks the kind of respect and sensitivity a man should have at his age. It’s time to introduce the idea of your finding a roommate or a university residence situation. Knowing you’re not going to be stuck together forever will be freeing for both you and Mom.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I never thought I’d get sick of my first love because he was everything to me and taught me the ropes. He’s older than I am, by almost 10 years. He had experiences with other girls before he met me. I still love him, but I’m not “crazy” in love with him, like I used to be. The other day he started talking about “our future” and having a baby together and all that.

I went totally silent. I’m 22 and way too young to get into that. But he’s 31 and I don’t blame him for wanting to have a family. Please help!

— Young and Nervous, East Kildonan

Dear Nervous: Your guy has finally turned a corner. He wants a wife and kids now he’s into his 30s. You’re still young, and it’s time to part ways. Tell him how grateful you are for the relationship you’ve had together, but it’s time for you to explore life and grow, not to settle down. Then you must set him free and it’ll have to be a clean break. You can’t keep him on the emotional hook by phoning a lot or trying to see him when you’re lonely.

Please send questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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