Tactful approach will get you the space you need

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/10/2022 (1402 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I want my own bedroom, and I don’t know how to tell my husband. I warned him this might happen when we got married. A total lack of privacy was my greatest fear in marrying him or anybody. He just laughed that off as we were all over each other all the time back in those days.

Well, we’ve been married two years and 10 months, and the day has come when I want my own bedroom again. In fact, I already dream about it. I’ll have a coffee maker by the bed, magazines spread out nearby. I’ll lie around by the sunny window and have private chats with my girlfriends.

What I long for most now is that privacy I always treasured before I got married.

I know this is going to hurt and upset him, so I haven’t mentioned it yet. How do I tell him I still love him and want him as my husband, but need the rest of my privacy back?

— Longing for it, South Tuxedo

Dear Longing: You can have what you want without insulting and hurting your husband. However, you’ll have to be subtle about it and that may not be your strong suit.

The first step to ensure success? Don’t give up the bedroom you share with him now. That is your private and romantic place together; you do enjoy it, and you want to keep him. But now, it’s also time to develop a little “studio” elsewhere in the house, just for you. Women have had these through the ages, especially in Victorian times.

Some women call it their art room, sewing room, yoga room — even their goddess room. Then they decorate it from the heart, with no input from their partner, and no attempt to blend it with the rest of the house.

To make it lively for you, add a TV and music system so you’re not hunched over a computer all the time. Put a folding table in the room for projects and a create a wall of photos important to you. For relaxation, you might want a comfy recliner and/or a single bed for naps in the sun.

When your husband comes home, enjoy the rest of your house together — there’s no need to go on and on about your privacy room. If you’re sensitive to your husband’s feelings, you can make this work. Needing privacy is not a deal-breaker.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend has another girlfriend, and I really don’t care. She’s the outdoorsy sportswoman type and he likes to go fishing and hunting with her. She has legs like tree trunks and shoots her own guns. I want nothing to do with killing anything, ever. He’s welcome to see her for a few weekend hunts again this fall. But I’m no dummy. I’m sure they don’t just “sleep” together under the same roof on these adventures.

So how do I put up with it? I also feel free to have a stand-in guy, and I found one two years ago. My secret boyfriend laughs about it, because I only call him up when it’s hunting or fishing time. Then he brings over “his pistol” for some entertainment. He’s quite the comedian.

The problem I have this year? My regular boyfriend has found out the identity of my other guy, and oddly, it bothers the heck out of him. Too bad, right? I know who his “chick” is and hardly care, but now that jealousy has entered into the equation, I don’t know what to do.

— Hunting Season, North Kildonan

Dear Hunting Season: Maybe it’s time you faced the fact your relationship with your hunter guy has run out of ammo. As for the stand-in cutie you’ve been seeing during hunting season, that was just retaliation. You both know and accept that.

So, this fall, why not leave that mess behind, and start hunting for a man who totally suits you, both during hunting season and not?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography