If ‘stage-managed’ sex life works, stick with it

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/10/2022 (1438 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a shy woman, but not sexually. If I want some action, I just tell my husband over breakfast or lunch that he’s “on stage” at a certain time that night! He used to be a musician, and he responds to that announcement like the professional he is.

He has all day to think about it, and deliver. I can tell he’s “tuning up” by early evening, so I get the kids off to bed in good time (or sometimes he plays them a lullaby and then they’re off to dreamland). That leaves the rest of the evening for us!

It didn’t used to be good like this. In fact, our sex life was pretty bad. We were often at odds over the lack of frequency and energy put into it. Now, it’s part of our regular entertainment. On those days, we’ll both put off extra things we could be doing work-wise to conserve some energy.

I know it’s often hard for couples to have a great sex life, combined with kids and work, but now we finally do. Just thought I’d pass this tip along. It works for us!

— Making Music, Country Style, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Making Music: Some people think making a date to have sex later that night creates too much pressure. In your case, it actually relieves pressure, knowing you have the date. A guy doesn’t have to be a musician to get excited and creative about a romantic event. Just knowing it’s going happen can be enough!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My live-in girlfriend was always a little chubby, but in the right places, so who cared? About four months ago — at the beginning of summer — she started lifting weights and running. The extra inches started coming off. She developed biceps and stomach muscles — and she’s looking dangerous!

A few days ago, she had a running girlfriend come in, and they were doing a cool-down set of exercises together. They didn’t hear when I came in, and didn’t know I was sitting on the sofa in the next room relaxing. I overheard her nosy girlfriend say, “So how come you’re working out so hard these days to get smaller? You’ve already got a guy who adores you.”

There was a long silence. Then my girl said, “We’ve both gotten pretty complacent living together, and I’ve decided I want more. I want a marriage and kids. If he doesn’t ask me to marry him by Christmas, I’m moving on, and I plan to be in the best shape of my life.” I snuck out before they saw me. I was so mad!

This is 2022 not 1982. Why in hell didn’t she just tell me she wanted marriage and family? Why is it totally up to me to push this relationship that way, when she’s the one who has to go through the pregnancies? Of course I want to marry her and have children with her!

The part that really galls me is she’s actually perfecting her physique to leave me, if I don’t pop the question. I was the guy who loved her when she was chubby. Does she not love me the same way? I also thought we shared our most intimate thoughts, and now I hear her sharing them with a running friend?

I’m shocked and mad — and now I’m turned off by her perfect new body, designed to get somebody else. I don’t know what to do.

— Kept Out of the Loop, River Heights

Dear Out of the Loop: Depending on how you handle this, you two have a lot to lose — or gain. Since you can’t trust your anger right now, go to a relationship counsellor alone, ASAP, and vent your disappointment, anger and embarrassment. Then have a good talk with the counsellor.

You will probably be ready to go home to your girlfriend and tell her one day soon what you accidentally overheard her say to her friend, and how it made you feel.

Listen to what she has to say, though it may be hard on her pride to say it. Most women still want to be proposed to the old-fashioned way — and with a ring involved — though they might want some input in choosing the style.

To propose, you might say: “I really want to marry you, and have children with you. I love you so much! Will you please marry me and be my wife? Now, let’s go out and look for a ring you’ll love.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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