Reach out to mom to avoid awkward homecoming

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/11/2022 (1394 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother has just sent us off to university out of province. She was adamant my sister and I went outside Winnipeg “for a bigger world experience.” I found out the truth last week. She has moved her “girlfriend” in with her — into our family home! Who knew our mom was hiding a lesbian affair? She broke up with Dad years ago.

My sister and I are roomies at university, and we phoned our Dad.

“Yes, I’ve known for years,” he said. “I thought your mom would at least tell you, before she moved a serious girlfriend into the house.” I asked him how many girlfriends Mom had since they split up. He said, “I don’t know. Maybe two or three.”

I feel like I don’t even know my own life history now! And, how do we go “home” to visit? We don’t even know this woman, and we also found out she’s only eight or 10 years older than us.

Dad has his own small place and we could go there for visits home, I guess, but it’s not the same as going home to our old rooms and our mom! And what should we do at Christmas?

— Cut Adrift, northwestern Ontario

Dear Adrift: Phone Mom, who’s at the centre of this. Ask her to explain what’s going on with this woman, for how long, and how serious it is. You’re in shock — so first let your mother know that.

Just don’t chicken out by sending her nasty messages that can’t be taken back.

Maybe your mom’s new partner has her own family, and will go spend time with them on some weekends and at Christmas. Ask both your parents about Christmas arrangements right now, so maybe you can put that worry to bed quickly. Be warned: Don’t go home expecting your old family home to be the same, and your childhood rooms to be intact.

Make sure to phone your dad as much as you need to. He will be the calmer parent right now, and you can ask things more openly of him about the “’real” history of the marriage and your family. He knows more than he’s told you so far.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Your answer to the 18-year-old young woman “Untouchable Wolseley,” missed a great opportunity to promote respect, dignity — and dare I say — a high moral standard. The writer said she’s attractive and has been out with the same guy three times, yet he’s never made a move to touch her — not even to hold her hand. She asked if she should ask him if he’s “shy, or bi, or what?” (I suggested she let him go into the “friend zone” without quizzing him about his lack of affection. —Miss L.)

Did you ever consider he’s maybe a young man who holds women in high-esteem, and believes in getting to know someone before he expects physical contact? She could well ask him if he believes that hands-off, means respect and restraint, rather than disinterest. Or perhaps she could ask how he thinks women should be treated? With so many young women complaining about being “pawed at” by entitled young men, I’d have thought this was a breath of fresh air.

— Higher Standards, Brandon

Dear Higher Standards: It puts a young girl of 18 in a highly embarrassing position to ask a guy why he won’t even hold her hand after three dates. The “friend zone” will definitely be enough for these two young people.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a male who admires people who have overcome their mistakes and adversity, and have made a stable life for themselves. There must be others like me out there. Mostly, people looking for a romantic partner just want to know there is no ongoing baggage to contend with.

If past baggage has been jettisoned, all is well. Just look at how many celebrities have had life problems early in their careers but cleaned up, and still perform for grateful fans!

— Open-minded Guy, Winnipeg

Dear Open-minded: It can be a good thing to extend trust to somebody who has truly changed their ways, but not to extend trust too soon. People just coming out of recovery programs can speak all the right words, and really mean them, but the world is tough, old friends are tempting and relapses can happen.

Still if you find someone who proves they can navigate rough waters without falling back into bad habits, you’re safer with them than with someone who just talks a great game, but has never been tested.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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