Best to prep for inevitable run-in with returned ex

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This article was published 30/10/2022 (1389 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex-wife has moved back to Winnipeg — a nightmare come true. She’s back in the our same general neighbourhood, about 10 or so streets away from me. That means she’ll be using the same stores, gas stations and restaurants — and I’m bound to run into her.

I don’t want to talk to her, but she’ll try to communicate with me. She still owes me tons of money I will never see, because she can never keep a job. She’s a drinker and a gambler.

I’m feeling so anxious and upset. How do I handle it when we inevitably run into one another, which will be soon — because I bet she’ll try to make it happen!

— Scared of Seeing Her, North End

Dear Scared: Memorize a short paragraph to say to her when you do run into her. Then you won’t feel so unprepared and vulnerable waiting for it to happen. It might contain this sentence: “I’ll speak to you the day you’ve finally paid off everything you owe me, and not before.” If you’ve already given up on seeing your money anyway, those words will roll off your tongue.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This Halloween my new wife wants to shut off the lights and pretend we’re not home — not happening on my watch! I’ll be answering the door, because I love Halloween and always have.

She’ll be going down to the basement to watch a movie, and she says it’s “not about ridiculous Halloween!” How can I make it fun for me, all by myself, alone?

— Her Annoyed New Husband, River Heights

Dear Annoyed: String up some spooky lights, wear a funny costume (not a really scary one that may startle little ones) and put on some Halloween music outside. Give out good treats, wave to the parents on the sidewalk and enjoy yourself, making trick-or-treaters happy.

The key to “doing your own thing” when your wife is not into it, is not to let her spoil your happy mood. When it’s over and your wife grudgingly asks how it went, you say, “Great. Lots of fun! Love Halloween!” then, cheerfully change the subject.

Say not one word about the costumes, or wishing she had joined you! You don’t really wish that, because she’d have been a drag. Next year, you know now to ask a friend or relative who loves Halloween, to join you and have even more fun. Who knows, it may prompt your wife to take part!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was doing the wash and found a handwritten poem in my girlfriend’s pocket. We are a lesbian couple who live together. I thought we were very much in love.

At first I was kind of thrilled at my discovery, and then I realized the female lover she was writing about was not of my hair colouring or body type. By the third verse, I knew the identity of the person she was writing about — a friend of ours, who is already married.

I haven’t said anything yet, because I’m broken-hearted. If she wants this other woman, and I’m just a stand-in, am I supposed to be grateful to hold that status? Should I secretly try to compete? Just the thought of that makes me tired. I am who I am, and I guess that’s not enough. Is there anything else I can do, besides confront her with what I found?

— Second Best, Downtown

Dear Second Best: Just hand her the poem and say, “I was doing our washing and I found this.” There’s nothing more you need to say until you hear her explanation. She might ask for “time to think” before having the talk, but waiting for that will drive you crazy. Tell her you need her to talk to you right away. Explain that it’s a living hell for you — being in love with someone who’s secretly in love with someone else.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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