Tricky visit to ex’s door would be a creepy move

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This article was published 27/10/2022 (1403 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m thinking of showing up at my recent ex-boyfriend’s door in a costume on Halloween night — totally masked and disguised. I’m very short, and he’d never think it wasn’t a younger kid in junior high. He’s in high school now.

He always answers the door in costume on Halloween, because he loves to see all the creative get-ups. (His parents like to watch scary Halloween movies in the basement, so he’s pretty much on his own — and I’ll be safe.)

I haven’t seen him since we broke up — my stupid idea. I miss him, and I want him back badly! I’d really love to get a glimpse of him in this year’s costume, and hear his voice. My best friend told me that going there is a “dumb and dangerous idea” and that he’ll be able to smell me! But she just likes to “horrible-ize” everything. I think it’s a good plan. What do you think?

— Tempted, West Winnipeg

Dear Tempted: Since you were mostly responsible for the breakup, don’t play tricks like this. Maybe he’s still hurting, a lot. But there’s still a chance he’d like to talk to you. Phoning him after the Halloween kids are gone, is not as creepy as showing up on the step. Consider this: You could answer your own door in costume all night, and then call your ex later and wish him Happy Halloween.

Don’t expect anything more from him than polite conversation or a flimsy excuse not to talk — unless you’re ready to come clean about wanting him back right off the top. You’d have to tell him very sincerely you miss him a lot. After that conversation, you might ask him if he wants to compare notes from answering the door.

Depending on why you broke up, he’ll talk, or tell you to get lost. If he does choose to talk, do not launch into an analysis of why you broke up and whose fault it was. Maybe his feelings have seeped away somewhat by now. If that’s the case, be respectful, as you initiated the split.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m happily divorced, and have started seeing my first new lady. She’s very sweet and I want to keep seeing her, but I’d also like to date a few other people.

The trouble with my marriage was that we got married way too young. My kids left the nest — and I have too. My wife was glad to end it, as it was a dull marriage for her, too. My problem is this: How do I tell this new lady, who’s so cute, that I want to do some dating around, and am thinking of joining a singles club?

— Finally Free, Charleswood

Dear Free: There’s no other way to say it — you’re just not looking to settle down with one person yet! Be totally honest. It’d be sneaky to hide that fact. This sweet lady might be a little upset, or she might laugh and tell you she’s also playing the field for a while!

You should also know this: If you were truly bowled over by her, you wouldn’t be looking for a way to tell her you want to meet a bunch of other people. She’s not likely “the one” for you, so don’t worry about telling her the truth.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my wife, I think — or I was taught to think — but I’m dead lonely within my marriage over the last six months. She’s gone religious on me, and has embraced a congregation of people I don’t know, and don’t want to know. She’s so busy with her church work, choir and volunteering, she often has early dinners with me, and then she runs right back to be with those people again.

And it’s a little more complicated than that. I was so lonely all summer after this started, that I’d go to our cottage by myself — and I met someone. We spent a lot of time together. She is divorced and her kids are gone. I couldn’t feel more friendless and alone now, back here in the city. I’m on the phone to this woman a lot in the evenings. Now what? Please help.

— On the Brink, Winnipeg

Dear On The Brink: If you don’t have the big talk at this point, both you and your wife may look back and ask why you didn’t try to save your marriage, when it was on the brink. See a relationship counsellor ASAP and start talking openly, putting all your thoughts and emotions out there. Then, ask your wife to join you for those talks, telling her you’ve already been for some counselling. She may be so totally caught up in her new life, she’ll be in shock.

It’s likely she doesn’t realize she’s been leaving her husband behind, in her excitement with her active new place of worship. She may be shocked you’ve been forming a close emotional friendship with another woman. So yes, it’s definitely time to start sorting things out with your wife.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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