Use jolt of cold reality to seek out real love

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/11/2022 (1431 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I suspected my wife cared more for our pets — two big, hairy hounds — than she did for me. I got proof of that when I arrived home a night early from a business trip. She and the dogs were sleeping in our king-size bed together, where she’d been refusing to allow them, or me, to sleep with her lately. She blamed that on “her allergies.” I guess her allergy was to me, not the dogs.

I woke her up and said, “A guy could freeze to death living with you! We don’t have sex, kids or even a real marriage anymore. Unless you agree to go to marriage counselling with me, this can’t continue.”

She looked at me, and said, “No thanks to counselling! I’m tired of this marriage, too. And, I don’t want sex with you — haven’t for a long time.” Then she added, “I’ll leave, but I’m taking the dogs.” I asked why she married me in the first place, and she said, “Everybody else I knew was getting married, and you seemed nice at the time.”

I looked at her, in shock and said, “I seemed nice? You never loved me and you made all those marriage vows?” And, then she said, “I was 21, still living at home and was too young to know any better.”

I was 32 when I married her, really loved her, and wanted to give her the world. Yes, she was younger, shy and only spoke the “love” word back very rarely. But I never suspected how cold she really felt towards me.

My wife soon moved back home to her parents. She was suddenly gone with her stuff and the two dogs. Please help me.

— Lost and Confused, West End

Dear Confused: Take heart! You have lost your living companion and a fantasy — but you certainly did not lose a great love. Your wife married you because she was immature, and it was the thing to do at the time, as her friends were planning their exciting weddings.

When you get past the shock and the hurt, you’ll finally be free to look for real love. Make sure that new person is around your age, and you know the love and sexual enjoyment is mutual before you commit to anything. You do have the advantage of knowing how it feels to love a partner — even if it was one-sided.

It hurts a lot to be rejected, but you’re actually getting free of a false, one-sided love that kept you from finding someone better for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in my mid-50s and have lost two husbands to illness and death. I just can’t nurse anybody anymore! Now I desperately need to have some fun and travel. So, I put that out there to friends, and I just met this fun guy they know, and started going out with him.

All of a sudden, he wants me to hit a sun destination with him for two weeks in February. It’s at a resort where all his other friends go with their wives and girlfriends. But, we only just met! What if I don’t like him a couple months after Christmas? He’s really sweet now, but who knows what could happen before then?

— New to the Dating Game, Winnipeg

Dear New: Tell this new guy who seems like fun, to go ahead and book the resort for himself. It won’t be a single bed, you can bet. If things are still going well with him by the end of January, you might still join him in February. If not, he’ll have his group of friends to keep him company there.

Should he lean on you for “your half” of the money to buy into a great resort deal being “offered right now,” then it’s not much of an invitation. Invite him to find himself another new lady, and ask her to ante up her half. Then she can take a chance on still wanting to be intimate with him on holiday — still three long months away.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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