Maturity in a mate doesn’t mean monotony

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This article was published 11/11/2022 (1365 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My old boyfriend heard through the grapevine I’d left my husband. He showed up a bit tipsy on my doorstep on Halloween night. He was wearing his signature baseball cap with a long white fake beard and a little sign around his neck that said “Old Boyfriend.” Pretty funny! I let the fool in.

Along with his guitar, he brought a bottle of my favourite wine, so we ended up having some laughs. Then he played a song he’d written for me. It was obvious he’d missed me a lot and the song contained a “love of my life” reference. He had been the love of my young life, but he drank way too much — every single day. Obviously, he hasn’t stopped drinking, which was OK for one night of memories and fun. I must confess I let him stay late.

Somehow it got back to my ex-husband that he’d come to see me and he phoned me to accuse me of having a long-standing affair with the guy, saying that’s what must have broken us up. Not at all! My husband’s inability to keep a job and grow up led to the end of our marriage.

My old boyfriend who showed up is a classic “Peter Pan” type, just like my ex-husband. How come I always end up with immature men who don’t want to grow up? Am I somehow the problem?

— Same Old Pattern, St. Boniface

Dear Same Pattern: The type of mate we’re first attracted to as teens can sometimes stick with us, even though our real needs eventually mature.

You may never be attracted to a guy in a “dad” sweater and always feel your heart beat a little faster when you meet a charming, boyish man, but this has become a problem for you now. You’ve grown up, and want a home, grown-up partner and maybe a family.

To work through the “Peter Pan” attraction effectively, you’ll need to consult a counsellor and do some reading on the issue. The best news? The man of your dreams might get older, but they’ll never get boring! A fun — but adult — guy would always have exciting things going on as they grow and evolve. He won’t be a guy who sits around and waits for life to happen to him; he’ll be in the thick of things — with you beside him.

How do you meet this kind of guy? Get involved in with groups or organizations and volunteer to meet a lot more “movers and shakers” than you usually do. One or more of them will likely have that boyish smile you like, and that’s a beginning.

You don’t have to give up on fun when you fall in love with a guy who’s matured. In fact, this characteristic makes for a great partner to work through the challenges of family life, and will be a solid, unique dad for children, while also being a good sexual partner for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 19 and I’ve never experienced war here in Canada and don’t know how to react on Remembrance Day when I don’t have any family or personal connection to war. I always want to be respectful, but don’t know what to do. What can you suggest? I don’t even have a great-grandfather who experienced war.

— Don’t Know What to Do, Winnipeg

Dear Don’t Know: Today would be a good day for you to research current information on the wars happening around the world, like the Russian invasion of Ukraine. In addition to reading, you could also look for ways to connect as a volunteer to help out with displaced people living in Winnipeg now. Seek out organizations that need help and seriously consider volunteering. It would feel good to get active and help those truly affected by war.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve read about other late-teen/young-adult women and their single mothers, in your column. My young mother — not even 40 — flirts with my male friends too, and I hate it so much. (Of course, she doesn’t want to “date” a high school guy.)

The worst part is, the guys always notice her when they come over. How can they help it when she dresses up and gets chatty about things out like their new tattoos, jewelry, what they drive — all the things guys like to show off? How can I get her to fade into the background like a normal mother? I don’t want to hurt her, as she is my best friend, and I don’t have another parent.

— Sick of the Competition, west Winnipeg

Dear Sick: Speak to her like this: “Mom, I feel uncomfortable when you talk to my male friends like you’re the same age as them. Mothers aren’t supposed to take an interest in how young guys look or dress, or what they have for tattoos.” If she really hears you and doesn’t react angrily, you might even go further and ask quietly: “Why do you do this?”

You might find out she was thinking it would make your guy friends feel more comfortable in your home. So, just tell her: “Feel free to act like a regular mom, who raises her eyebrows and looks shocked!” That’ll make her laugh, but she’ll get the point. Shock is often the reaction young guys want, so they can feel like the rebels they think they are. Motherly approval is certainly not what they were shooting for when they got their tats.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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