Defusing misstep with levity builds bus bond

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This article was published 12/11/2022 (1362 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Yesterday I accidentally kicked another woman’s boot when we mounting the last step on the bus behind her. She turned around abruptly, and gave me a little kick right back, on my big leather boot.

I laughed out loud! She said, “What are you laughing at?” I said, “You!” Then we had a quick choice to make: chuckle about the situation and sit down beside each other in the last available seat, or turn our backs on one another stand apart, miffed.

So, we plunked ourselves down together. It turned out we’d both had a very bad day, and wished we’d kicked someone else back at the office! We ended up talking more and had some laughs. I may never see her again, but I smile whenever I think of this. Why can’t people see the lighter side of things, instead of getting mad?

— Bus Fighter Babe, Downtown

Dear Bus Fighter: Laughing at the absurdity of a mutual boot-kicking took the sting right out of it. How many times has something ridiculous happened when the people involved could have laughed and gotten over it, but got mad and escalated things instead? Good on you for taking the high road, because people often think it’s easier to go low and get nasty.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m having trouble with my father who’s quite old and seems to be losing his classy behaviour. He and my mother live with us, as that’s the family tradition in my culture.

The problem? My father seems to have “forgotten” he’s married when he goes on his long afternoon walks. My mother never leaves our house anymore without one of the family, as her legs are not so good. My neighbours have spotted my bad dad sitting in a nearby park with a certain woman, not my mother. Yesterday the woman next door whispered to me that he always has an arm around her.

My father has never worn a wedding band, so a new woman would have to take him at his word about whether he’s married or not. Maybe that woman doesn’t even care! I was so mad, I asked my father outright what he was doing, and he said, “She’s just a friend.”

I reminded him he’s married, and mentioned his wedding vows. Then he said: “That’s enough talking to me! My wife no longer wants me to touch her!” I looked at his face and he had tears in his eyes. Well, that was more than enough for me to digest about my father’s love life. Now what should I do?

— Upset Oldest Daughter, West End

Dear Upset: You can only guess how rejected your dad is feeling, now that your mom doesn’t want his touch. She may only want the warm affections of you and the children now — and nothing that might lead to “something else” from her husband. The other woman who likes affection in the park is easing the pressure of this situation, and making your dad feel less rejected.

Talk to your father and ask if he has any plans to break up the marriage with your mother. He will probably be shocked, and say no, this woman is just a “nice lady” or something similar. If that’s the case, tell him he’s dishonouring your mom by being seen by neighbours with another woman in the nearby park.

Don’t ask him what he’s going to do differently. He might just change parks.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a “single lady,” just like in that famous Beyoncé song, and recently I got in trouble. I’m turning 30, but no one has liked what I have to offer and decided to “put a ring on it.” Why? I guess I’m not that charming to my dates and I haven’t met anyone I’d want a ring from yet, anyway.

I’m dating a few different people, hoping to find the love of my life — the final one. Do I not have that right? I want to have several children with a wonderful guy, so I’m approaching this like a project. Unfortunately, my second-favourite boyfriend came over on the wrong night, and ran into my first-favourite boyfriend. Neither one is talking to me now.

My problem? If I date guys one after another, it’s going to take me too long to find Mr. Right. I could end up being too old for two or three healthy pregnancies.

— Starting to Worry, St. James

Dear Starting to Worry: Too many women approaching 30 who want kids may start rushing the process and end up with the wrong guy, leading to a divorce and broken family down the road. But you can take control if you have a back-up plan for having children. For that, you’ll need a loose deadline for when you might start single-parent proceedings to adopt — perhaps at age 33 to 35? Then you can relax, and date people you really like, and not line them up like husband-and-daddy candidates.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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