Apocalyptic venting is just a part of adolescence

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This article was published 23/02/2023 (1272 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My 12-year-old daughter told me she’s never leaving home, doesn’t want a boyfriend and never wants kids! Then she announced: “The world is going to end in a few years, Mommy, so what’s the point of anything?” She just threw that out there for me to choke on, and ran out the front door. She headed straight across the street to her best friend’s house.

I sat down and bawled. I’m a single mom, and raising her on my own. Sometimes the things she says scare me to death! An hour later, her friend’s mother phoned to see if it was OK if my daughter stayed overnight. I said, “Is she still upset, about the end of the world?”

She laughed and said, “No, the girls are making up a dance routine in the bedroom. Listen to them singing.” She held up the phone, and I could hear my little brat singing at the top of her lungs! I said a relieved, “Thanks for that.” Then suddenly I felt depressed about being a single mother with no partner to talk to when upsetting things like this happen. Please help me cope.

— Upset Single Mom, Fort Rouge

Dear Single Mom: A lot of married people can’t talk to their adult partners about this type of thing either. Plus, they often don’t agree on how to treat their growing child when they spew out things like this. You need to know this: Big kids sometimes like to upchuck their frustrations all over the parent most likely to take them seriously — and get upset. Then, they know they’ve been heard and suddenly feel much better.

People of all ages need to unload. So listen to your daughter, but try not to take it so seriously next time she’s unloading. You were wise to phone the friend’s mom to make sure your daughter was over her despair with the world. That mother will mention the call to your daughter, who will probably roll her eyes. But, deep down she’ll be glad you cared, and the other mom got your worried call.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a single-again man in my 50s, living on my own. I haven’t had much experience with women other than my ex-wife, who divorced me recently because I was “deadly boring.” That didn’t bother her when we were bringing up our four kids, and I made a lot of money to support the family just like her dad did.

After we divorced, I got my first girlfriend. Then my ex-wife started calling me again! I made excuses not to talk, saying I’m in the shower, on the road, going through a drive-thru, anything — and then I’d just hang up.

Now my girlfriend has “moved on” to another guy — and my ex-wife has found out. She’s been calling me at 2 a.m. I know exactly what she wants — the only thing other than supporting a family that I’m good at, as she once told me. I’m must admit I’m lonely and frustrated. Should I let her come over once in a while?

— Starting to Weaken, River Heights

Dear Starting to Weaken: Every time you let your ex-wife come over for sex, it will just set you back to the beginning of the separation and divorce. Be aware: No new woman is going to want to come near you when you’re still seeing your ex-wife occasionally, even if it’s “just” for sex.

It means you’re back on her string. Maybe you just feel like you’d be proving yourself in your best arena, but it doesn’t fix the rest of the relationship, and you’d no longer be out meeting other people.

In this new year, make things right in your life in all areas. Invest in yourself, and start with a psychologist to work out what was wrong with that marriage. You need to repair the damage done to your self-esteem by your wife’s criticisms and rejection of you.

You may find out you were initially swept away by a woman who told you what you “should” want. In time though, you will find out there are some women who adore a strong, smart, quiet (even shy) kind of guy.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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