Wait and see if things bloom before you pull up roots

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/02/2023 (958 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into an old friend — my secret crush — and he and his wife have split up! He was back in Winnipeg visiting his folks recently. We talked for two whole hours over drinks at The Forks. He was flying back to his work out of province the very next day.

We’d worked together for years here in Winnipeg, and were good friends. I used to daydream about him, but he was engaged. When I went to his wedding, I quietly cried. Then he got a good job in another city, and he and his wife moved away.

The day after our recent hangout (within a few hours of him getting back to his home his city), he sent me a text message saying he was coming back the next weekend to see me! I must have read that message five times. I phoned him, and we talked for hours.

When he came back to town a week later, we went to dinner… and he stayed for breakfast two days in a row.

He says he really loves his new job and he’s hinting that I should move to his city “which is a lot more fun,” and he’ll help me find a similar job to the one I have now. I asked him what he was really driving at, and he said, “I think you feel the same way I do.” It turns out he’s always been crazy about me, and he wants to pursue a serious relationship with me, now that he’s free.

I’m kind of in shock. What should I do? He’s asking a lot, and I know he’s lonely there. Still, I feel myself falling hard for him.

— On the Edge of Temptation, North End

Dear On Edge: Don’t uproot on his whim! There’s a good chance this old friend of yours loves his job, but he’s too lonely to stick it if he doesn’t establish a relationship with someone in his new city soon. Plus, there’s this question: What actually happened between him and his wife to destroy their marriage?

Take it slow, even though this man’s champing at the bit. You were No. 2 and just a friend — so far behind his fiancée that you didn’t even know he cared. He’s asking for you to do way too much — to move out of province and find new work , with no guarantee anything will develop and endure between you two. He’s not asking you to live with him, just to move out there near him, so he can date you. If he really cares, it’s up to him to pursue you from afar, and prove his feelings for you beyond a doubt.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m having the best sex life I’ve ever had, but it’s with a girl I don’t want to be with forever. It sounds awful, but we met after I had a bad breakup. I finally healed enough to go on a few dates, and on one of them this girl seduced me. We haven’t stopped having sex since — I mean, a lot of it.

She says we are “dating,” and I guess we are. I worry about making it any more official because, honestly, I don’t want to marry her. She wants that. She’s made that obvious, but I don’t see a long-term future for us.

The sex is great though. Is that all you need to make it work? People always say they failed in their long-term relationships because the sex was bad. Help please.

— “Satisfied” But Confused, Osborne Village

Dear Satisfied: Let this poor woman go now. She cares a lot about you, and thinks you’d make a great husband. Wrong-o! You confess you aren’t excited about her, except when you’re having great sex. In fact, you’re already weighing up the positives and negatives of this “relationship.”

A so-so friendship connection and great sex can only work well in a situation where there are a lot of exciting activities and other fun people to talk to — like you might find on holiday or at a big festival. Otherwise, in a normal long-term setting, you have to make your own conversation — and that requires common interests, senses of humour that jibe and intellectual stimulation, and also friends and family who can add to the richness of the pairing.

You’re not experiencing that with this woman. She deserves the freedom to search further — and so do you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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