You love others uniquely; you’re not ‘misfiring’

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This article was published 30/03/2023 (1281 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Some people say I’m unsuccessful in love with both sexes. I’m considered bisexual because I’ve been known to have partners of either sex, for a maximum of several months to six months, usually no more. Then the relationship dies out and I don’t seem to care. It’s like a fire that just goes cold.

That’s the part that really bothers my ex-partners. I don’t mourn and I don’t cry about them. Like a train, the relationship just comes to a full stop at some point, and I get off. I re-assess my life. Then, I generally take on a new rescue pet. That’s happened in four or five different stages of my life.

The complaint from partners — gay, straight and bisexual — is that I don’t know how to love people, that I can only express real love to my pets, whom I treat like babies, and also to other people’s grandchildren. They adore me and follow me around like puppies. I am endlessly loving toward them. They are so innocent.

Adult humans just get on my nerves after a while, because they act so complicated like they know it all about love, but then they’re so cruel and hurtful to each other when things start to go wrong. I just want to run.

Is there something wrong with being like I am? Somebody I’ve known for years told me last weekend that I’m “misfiring on a few cylinders.” That hurt me badly. What is your opinion? I’m not telling you how old I am, because it has nothing to do with anything.

— Human Loner and Animal Lover, Manitoba

Dear Human Loner: You wish people could accept you for the unique human being you are, but they don’t understand. You have found a way of living and loving that is different from many people, but that doesn’t make you wrong or “misfiring on a few cylinders.”

As for experiencing love, you give part of your heart to people, as long as they treat you well. On the other hand, you give your whole heart to innocent creatures you know from the outset will love you and never hurt you. This is understandable, and particularly so if important humans in your earlier life hurt you, or froze you out for no reason you understood.

As for not mourning the end of romantic, sexual and emotional relationships when they’re over, you just don’t feel the need to. You don’t speed into the “Love Zone” anyway, and you put your foot on the emotional brakes once you start hitting rough patches. It’s a different way of proceeding, yes, but it doesn’t make you a lesser human being.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: After reading the letter from “Torn Between Two Lovers,” I have to share from my own experience.

I imagine it took a lot of courage for her to walk away from her ex when he couldn’t get sober. While it’s flattering he wants her back, it’s going to be even harder for her if he loses his sobriety again.

Yes, she has strong feelings for her ex. I did, too! And then my ex’s pleas for a “second chance” won me over and turned into multiple chances, over 26 years, before I finally gave up for good. That was to the detriment of our son, I should add, as well as myself.

“Torn” says she has a new love interest. It isn’t as strong yet, but given the chance, it could be. My life is way better with my second husband! As my grandparents demonstrated for over 60 years, marriage is not just feelings; it’s about choosing well for both of you. We only have one life to live.

— K., Winnipeg

Dear K.: The point you’re making about not giving second chances (and the alcoholic taking many more) is good. You’ve experienced it yourself. “Torn” does not feel as strongly for her new man yet, and I agree she could afford to give it more time. Why? The love she felt for her alcoholic partner is beginning to seep out, though quite slowly. Soon it may not be hard for her new man to beat out the competition.

Even if this new man is not going to be her final love, at least letting go of her alcoholic ex will give her the freedom to look for someone else. Or, she might find she prefers being single — standing on her own and finally in full control of her life.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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