Temper bluntness when it comes to self-image

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This article was published 31/03/2023 (1223 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a blunt person. My new boyfriend asked me, after our first lovemaking session last week, if I thought he was fat. I said, “Yes, but I like you that way.”

He got two red dots in his cheeks, so I knew he was upset and he said: “That’s not what you’re supposed to say!” He got dressed in the bathroom, and I haven’t seen him or heard from him since. What the heck was I supposed to say?

— Honest Woman, River Heights

Dear Honest: You must learn to look past a question where a person is fishing for a compliment, to their real question. In this case, your new guy was really asking, “Do you find me attractive?” and the answer was clearly a resounding “yes,” or you wouldn’t have been in bed with him.

“You look and feel great” would have been a good reply from you, and he might have been back for more fun. Having said that, it wouldn’t have been long before you got in trouble again. Why? Because he’s insecure enough to ask questions like that, and you’re blunt enough to tell the ugly truth.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I thought it was spooky around here after my wife stopped slamming cabinets, shouting at the dogs for being dogs, and roaring out of the driveway. Then she’d come home drunk after closing time at the bar.

Now she’s back from the fancy getting-sober place she went to, and she’s looking so good she actually talked her way back into the house. The problem with that? She’s trying to act like a “normal” human being, but she doesn’t know how. I don’t even recognize her personality since she quit drinking.

Here’s the sick part — I liked her better before she got sober. Instead of being drunk and disorderly, she’s sober and too orderly for my taste now. She makes “to-do” lists for everything and she goes to bed really early and gets up late, just 30 minutes before she has to go to work.

I work at home, and she comes home for her salad lunch, and has nothing much to say to me. You can hear us chewing and the kitchen clock ticking when we eat together. Then she goes back to work until 5 p.m., gets groceries and cooks a “healthy” fish or chicken dinner. Blah!

I liked her better drinking and funny, like she was when I married her. She has no friends now and watches TV in “her” bedroom — formerly our guest bedroom. Help me!

— Living With a Stranger, Charleswood

Dear Living With a Stranger: Your wife may be feeling insecure about making her home with you now, like she could get kicked out any moment. Could she be trying not to rock the boat, by being hyper-organized and quiet. Is she friendless now that she’s blown off her drinking buddies? Does she go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings? She may really need recovering-alcoholic friends badly, after losing her alcoholic pals.

Unfortunately, you’re feeling her flatlining. Research any medications or natural products your wife is on, that might be causing her to become introverted and fatigued. You should also know that making a lot of lists can be indicative of someone who’s struggling with memory problems.

Call AA (aamanitoba.org), describe her behaviours and ask to speak to a counsellor. Also reveal your concerns to your family physician. Describe your wife’s new behaviours and dramatic personality change, and bring a list of everything you know she takes. Really go to bat for your wife — let her know she has a friend, and her natural personality may start shining through again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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