Keeping a lid on parental ‘secret’ not so simple

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/04/2023 (1277 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I don’t think you adequately answered the question from “Sitting on a Major Secret” about confronting her biological father. (“Sitting” found out from her mom’s sister that a man in her hometown was her real father, not the man she knows as Dad —Miss. L.).

Considering the bio-dad has not tried to contact her mother, it seems likely he does not care, and will not want any responsibility for the child he fathered. And, if he was told about it, he might use that as an excuse to hit on his old flame again, and annoy the father who raised the letter writer. This situation screams “Let sleeping dogs lie” to me. She should not confront him.

— Wouldn’t Want to Know Myself, Winnipeg

Dear Wouldn’t Want to Know: Yes, it’d be easier if this secret could live on, without any more acknowledgement, but that secret’s not safe at all. The auntie who blurted it out to her niece after her 30th birthday party can’t be counted on not to tell another soul this juicy secret, especially if she’s been partying. Also, this family lives in a small town and this news would be significant if it got out, as people certainly would know the parties involved.

Who-parented-whom secrets used to be a lot safer. We’re in a whole new era where testing to discover DNA connections is very popular, and available at an affordable price. Other children fathered by this 30-year-old woman’s bio-dad might do their own testing for a lark, and reach out to all possible relatives.

It would probably be best if the dad who raised the young woman wasn’t taken by surprise and possibly made to feel like a fool in the future. The bigger problem now is the fact the mother who had the slip-up never told her husband their first baby was not biologically his. It’s time for her to remedy this.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a musician with a problem when I go out to gigs in a certain bar. This woman I used to “sleep with” after performances there, still shows up and pretends to other women that she’s my girlfriend and says, “Hands off!” She’s not my girlfriend, and doesn’t own me! How do I get her off my back? I need to continue doing shows there — I need the money — and I have a real girlfriend now.

— Not Hers, and Never Was, Winnipeg

Dear Not Hers: Next time you’re at “her” bar, get this woman’s private phone number if you’ve lost it, and tell her you’ll call her the next day. Then do it! You need to tell her privately you have a steady girlfriend now and can’t see other women. Once she gets that clear message from you, she should back off. Still, be aware that if you don’t ever bring your new girlfriend to your future gigs, she may think you’re back on the market, and fair game again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just read the letter from “Furious Neighbour.” (She’s upset because her across-the-street neighbour’s been posting doomsday signs, such as “It’s later than you” in her front window. (I suggested calling the police to go over and check on her. —Miss L.)

A good referral for her could also be Mediation Services (mediationserviceswpg.ca), which has a Community Dispute component. It might be a good first contact to assess seriousness of the situation, before calling the police.

— Concerned Reader, Manitoba

Dear Concerned: If the sign-writing was actually a dispute between the two neighbours, this might work. However, if the sign-writer across the street is unstable and possibly paranoid, or even armed, police are trained to handle the situation safely.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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