Rekindling romance will require a little spark

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/10/2023 (748 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Sometimes I really long for that new-relationship feeling when you sit by your phone, waiting for a text or a call from your guy with every fibre of your being. You can’t wait for the next time you see him and when you hear his voice you’re filled with warm feelings.

I’ve been married for 14 years and it feels like all that has been gone for so long now, it’s not coming back!

— Losing Hope for Romance, West Kildonan

Dear Losing Hope: Sometimes you have to take a turn, even if it’s not your turn. That’s particularly true in a long-term romance. A particularly loving gift, such as staging a birthday party for your mate with all his friends and family or planning a surprise trip he’d love, can help bring back that special romantic feeling.

Also, planning an intimate dinner for you both or giving your partner a simple card for no reason, with a list of things you love about them, can sometimes reignite the fire. Why not try everything?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend has been getting hit on pretty relentlessly by a female friend of hers, and it’s driving me crazy. My girlfriend isn’t bi, and she isn’t about to sleep with this woman, but that hasn’t stopped her from hitting on my girlfriend. She sends her memes and TikToks all the time, and always sends hearts and kissy emojis.

I tried to step in by telling this crazy woman to stop, but my girlfriend became angry and said I need to “calm down and let it go.” I’m beginning to think she really enjoys the attention being lavished on her. I need a second opinion.

— Feeling Betrayed, Osborne Village

Dear Feeling Betrayed: If you stop showing anger and just walk away because you feel hurt and disrespected, your girlfriend might finally shut this woman down. Then, you’ll have to decide if you really want her back. It’s thoughtless of a partner to ignore a mate’s feelings. You might want to stop seeing a woman who’d hurt you like this and look for somebody new.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been having some serious fights with my old-fashioned husband about how to raise our kids and it’s gone from just talking to affecting things in the bedroom. I don’t want to sleep with him anymore because he doesn’t respect me as a parent, owing to the fact I don’t ever want my kids spanked again! I’ve threatened to move out over this and take them with me.

Also I’m feeling disgusted with his caveman behaviour, and turned off sexually. I don’t want him touching me!

Now he’s hurt and mad about that and I don’t really care. I do care about our kids, though.

What can I do? He says I’ve grown cold. I think he’s acting like a caveman, and it’s disgusting and upsetting.

— Caring Mom, St. Vital

Dear Caring: When you’re at a stalemate and the chasm is dangerously widening, seeing the same relationship counsellor separately can often help a couple. Instead of continuing a useless tug-of-war with your mate, make a list of your different issues and work on the attitudes and the beliefs underlying them with that same counsellor, but see them separately.

Then you can have sessions together again as a couple — as soon as there’s a possibility of movement on one side or the other. Does this sound like a strike negotiation? Yes it does, and sometimes a “deal” or “agreement” can work between couples, even after both sides have felt pretty disgusted by the other.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography