Not your role to referee parents’ marital melee

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/10/2023 (1075 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My parents have been fighting, and now we’re living in a house of silence. All I can hear is footsteps, the odd question and their one-word answers. I don’t know exactly what Mom did, but apparently it is ”beyond forgiving” and “against our marriage vows.”

Last night I ate dinner in total silence with them. At the end I said to them both: “I’m not living here like this, anymore. I’ll be at Grandma’s house (which is right next door) until you make up and start acting like a loving couple again.” Then my mother burst out: “Tell your father to get rid of the other woman he’s seeing!”

I looked back and forth a couple of times at my folks and then said, “That can’t be true! Is it, Dad?” He said nothing. Tears welled up in his eyes, and that was it. Now what can I do?

— Moving Next Door, North Kildonan

Dear Moving: It’s a good thing you didn’t take it upon yourself to play referee! You’re smart to go live with Grandma for a time, and let your parents sort this out. If you aren’t staying at home, your parents will have more opportunities to have open conversations, and say what they need to say.

Hopefully they’ll also get some counselling. In fact, you should request they do so. That’s right: put the pressure on them before you go next door to stay for a while. Then make little visits to see the folks, together and apart, while they work on this mess. Grandma may also be able to offer some insight into your parents’ predicament. (She may even know the identity of the other woman.)

Whatever you do, don’t give up your peace of mind by trying to stick it out in the family home while your folks fight about this affair. It’s not good for your mind, nor your young heart, to be present through this kind of conflict.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve always loved Halloween and have regularly created my way-out costumes in advance. Last year for instance, I made a big, red ladybug getup with a light-up skirt and crazy green hair with tentacles!

Imagine my disappointment when I found out my new boyfriend hates Halloween and will have nothing to do with it, except to stay home and watch scary movies. Big wuss!

He said teens used to chase younger kids in his neighbourhood and beat them up to steal their treat bags. I can’t blame him for being scared then, but the man is 24 years old now, and a football player.

I don’t want to be stuck at home with a big baby when there are some great parties going on in the city.

Now he’s very upset with me, because I intend to go to a huge party offering big prizes in a great costume I designed recently. Another guy I know — just a friend — has agree to go with me to be half of a costumed duo of Frankenstein and his bride. So my boyfriend’s nose is out of joint!

Otherwise, I really care about him. What can I do to get him past his hangup so he can start having fun on these big nights?

— Halloween Fan Forever, St. Norbert

Dear Halloween Fan: You didn’t cause your boyfriend’s Halloween hangup and you shouldn’t have to pay for it.

Analyze what you truly like about the guy, and ask yourself if you can maybe find these qualities somewhere else. Then keep your eyes open at the costume party you’re attending. You may find another guy who is as creative and as fun-loving as you are!

Lively people like you need some bounce in their relationships and don’t tend to be patient with people who are not similarly enthusiastic.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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