Don’t be goaded into providing party soundtrack

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This article was published 28/08/2024 (720 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a musician who often stays away from social outings in case people try to push me to entertain at their parties for free.

If I let them do that, I miss out on enjoying the party and become an unpaid worker — a resentful one. I generally call it quits after playing several songs and go home annoyed.

What should I say to people who try to do this to me, especially when they ask me to pick up a guitar in front of other people so there’s real pressure to perform?

— Sick of Caving in, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Sick of Caving: Two can play that game. If you know you will encounter this problem with a certain pushy host who wants some free entertainment, be prepared.

First say, “No, I hurt my wrist — I’m really not feeling up to it.” But if the host is persistent and says, “Oh, come on — just one song,” here’s your backup plan: wear a long-sleeved shirt to hide a bandaged wrist you can flash. You’ll also need to have an explanation prepared for how you hurt it — a hammering mishap will do in a pinch.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out my so-called friend only calls me when she has absolutely nothing to do or wants to do some gossipping. I’m never invited out to lunch with her, like her other friends. Then, after she has these lunches with the friends who count, she tells me their secrets. These women are not teenagers — they’re all in their 30s and 40s.

Yesterday, I finally woke up. Our last conversation made me think that if she’s telling me their secrets, mine are not safe either. I phoned her, took a deep breath, and told her that. She lost it on me, called me a bunch of nasty names and then hung up in my ear.

Half an hour later, she sent me an email stating, in point form, all of my faults — 10 of them, and all quite personal and hurtful.

I really want to respond to her email and let her know what a nasty piece of work she truly is, but is that too risky? I don’t think my silence speaks louder than words like my boyfriend is trying to convince me.

If she’s going to hurt me with words, why should I keep silent?

— Fake Friend, Crescentwood

Dear Fake Friend: When verbal poison is coming at you or even being spat out about other people, get as far away from the source as you can.

In your case, that means cutting off all personal contact — face-to-face and via phone or messages — with this particular woman and her pals.

Do not call up any member of this gang to repeat what was said to you as a way of looking for sympathy — that will just fire the whole thing up again. Consider going for some counselling with a psychologist to help repair the wounds from this experience and to teach you what to look for in new and more caring friends.

One way to build up new friendships from scratch is to over-join. Consider arts groups, recreational sports, volunteering, choirs and so forth. Most of them gear up in the fall, so it’s a good time to get involved.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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