Secret-family shocker will take time to comprehend

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This article was published 31/08/2024 (715 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found out from an elderly relative that I have a secret sister! I’m an only child — or thought I was, until recently.

I must tell you I was raised in a very loving home. My parents gave me a full life, and I never wanted for anything. We travelled all over the world, due to my dad’s career and I’ll cherish those times we had. However, I’m now feeling very confused in the wake of the secret that has been revealed.

Apparently, my father had a long-term affair that produced a daughter. From what I’ve learned, he also had a life with his other family. He had, in effect, two families. That blows my mind!

Strangely, my parents’ relationship never showed any rifts. They were always so loving with each another. Now I feel like my whole life was a big lie. Both my parents have passed, so I have no way of having questions answered. I’m torn between meeting my “sister,” or trying to let it go. What should I do?

— Secret Sister, rural Manitoba

Dear Sister: Your “secret sister” is innocent in this, just like you are. She’s a result of your father’s affair with her mother. This adult child deserves no blame from you or anybody. In fact, she may be a nice person to know, and may even resemble you. It’s possible she knows about you at this point, but has been too shy to contact you.

If you do nothing, your mind will keep coming back to the secret, and you’ll waste many hours of your life obsessing on it. So screw up your courage and go to the source of the secret — the elderly relative — before they get too old or unwell to add any information to aid you in connecting with your sister.

Both your parents are gone now, so you’re not going to upset their marriage. Plus, you don’t have any other siblings. This one would be a first one for you — and it could be good, as long as you can be kind and not spiteful.

You might even find after one meeting that your curiosity is satisfied, and you won’t want more contact. However, you would have some peace.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a big blow up with someone at work, which involved raised voices and name-calling in front of other people in the building.

It was not the female boss I fought with, but I got hauled into her inner office and reprimanded. Now I’ve been demoted and am no longer working with the person who angers me to no end, which is a big relief.

My dilemma now is a difficult one. Should I stay with the company I may not have a future at, and take the “anger-management” course the boss is pushing me to take, and see how it goes afterwards? Or should I just look for a different workplace right now?

— Unpopular with Management, North Kildonan

Dear Unpopular: It may not be so easy to find a new job quickly, in the wake of this ugly dust-up. If you need better anger-management skills, then taking this course will set you up for an improved work life now and in the future, no matter where you’re working.

If you don’t take the course, your boss will be keeping a nervous eye on you. Also, it won’t look good on you if you don’t get proactive to avoid future conflict — especially when higher-ups are considering promotions.

You could also benefit personally from the course, both at home and with friends. There’s no good reason not to take the training, except stubbornness.

If you still feel unpopular at your workplace after the course is finished, and things are not going well enough for you to ever be considered for promotion, then you should quietly start looking for a new job.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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