You owe grown kids the truth about your marriage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/09/2024 (408 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We came home from the lake later than our college-age kids because my husband and I had to discuss the upcoming end of our failed marriage. We didn’t want the boys to hear about the competing affairs we’ve had that ruined us. We held our marriage together the best we could until we hoped the boys were able to handle a breakup of the family. Now is that time.

I’m really afraid the boys will fail out of school and have bad marriages because of this divorce — but we can’t stand being together any longer. Our marriage has been a fraud for too many years. The only real thing in it was our devotion to the kids.

We’ve faked being together as a couple every weekend through the summer of 2024, but this is it. So, how do we handle our divorce announcement?

— Totally Done, Portage la Prairie

Dear Totally Done: There’s a good chance the big kids will say, “We knew this was coming; we just didn’t know when.” You may be surprised how much they already knew from the fights they overheard, silences they felt and the coldness between you.

They may even say it’s a big relief the divorce is finally happening.

Kids are good at picking up on facial expressions and body language that give lie to the big stories parents feed them when they’re involved in a “cold war.”

Now these grown children should be given the chance to ask you two everything they want, as it could help them finally understand what’s-what. Answering will take some courage on your part because you won’t be getting good reviews.

Rather than coming up with a pile of excuses, say this: “We were good together when we were younger, and having you kids was the best thing that ever happened to us. But we’ve failed as partners in the long-term and now we need to part to get on with our lives. But always remember: we love you guys deeply and we’ll always want to be a part of your lives.”

What else do you owe your kids? They deserve expert counselling from people other than yourselves and you two should pay for it no matter what age the “kids” are. They need to get their feelings out — not just with friends, but with professionals who can listen, understand and offer constructive advice to heal their wounds.

Your kids need to come out of this feeling they were not the cause of the marriage ending, that they will not fail like their parents did and most importantly, that they can confidently choose to marry if they wish.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband’s younger brother is an immature kid of 21 with a heavy crush on me. I want to get him out of my hair, but he recently rented the suite right above us in our apartment block. All three of us are shift workers in the same workplace. It’s awful.

Unfortunately, my husband prefers working the day shift — when his younger brother and I are both still at home. There’s definitely big trouble brewing. This young guy hasn’t actually touched me yet, but he is always coming over and staring, and giving me compliments that make me uncomfortable, like he loves how I dance and sing, and the emerald colour of my eyes. Pull-ease.

When my husband is at work, his brother comes over on any excuse, like to borrow an egg for something he’s making. Then he’ll come back and bring me a sample of what he’s made — and insists I taste it while he watches.

He is always undressing me with his eyes. He’s very tall and stands at the door with his long arms hanging off the top of the door frame, watching me closely. He think he’s so hot.

I’m afraid to tell my husband, but something has to be done. This could be bad, as the two brothers do love each other. My husband practically brought up his brother, as the parents were away so much. Help me, please.

— Stuck in the Middle, St. James

Dear Stuck: Younger bro needs to get the big letdown from you — stating clearly you’re not interested in him romantically. Otherwise, he may continue to think you have a hot thing for him, but you’re trying to shield his older brother from the pain of coming second.

Once the younger guy has gotten the picture you’re not interested, he may be embarrassed, and avoid you and his brother. Or, it may not bother him because he feels he’s so strong and adorable.

Hopefully he’ll start going out more and soon find a younger woman who sees his worth as a real boyfriend, and he’ll be too busy to bother you anymore.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography