Ex marking spot in ’hood actually a plus for kids

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I know you can’t tell marital exes to stay away for good when they break up with you and leave you in ruins, but I think there should be a law to keep them away from you until after you have put yourself back together again.

I just heard that my ex is moving back here and I have just done the costly work to repair my heart and soul after my husband and his other woman left town for Ontario.

Now they are moving back because they were too lonely, as it was tough to get to know people in their new town, which was kind of cliquey, apparently. (My ex and I also have kids together, so he also wanted to be closer to them again.)

I could have handled the news better if they hadn’t decided to move right back into the area of city that is my whole world, and where I grew up and went to school.

There is one medium-sized grocery store where everyone in the neighbourhood runs into each other — it’s like a small town in the middle of the city.

How am I supposed to cope with running into my ex all the time? It’s one thing to interact with him a bit in semi-privacy when he’s picking up or dropping off the kids, but encountering him in public all the time will be too much.

The last time we talked, I couldn’t help but ask him why he didn’t stay in Ontario and had to move so close. His terse response was something like, “You don’t own any part of this city.“

True, I guess. So how do I behave when I’ll be running into him regularly?

— Frustrated, Winnipeg

Dear Frustrated: Divorces are hard on adult parents, but doubly hard on the kids who shuttle back and forth between their residences and rarely stay “at home” for a week running, allowing them to more fully relax with their family.

On the positive side, at least their parents are living in the same neighbourhood, so they won’t repeatedly have to leave one group of friends behind when going to stay with a parent in some far-flung part of city for periods of several days or a week.

You need to try to try to think of your ex-husband as an important parent of the kids, who loves them deeply, if that is so. You don’t owe the same understanding to his new mate if she doesn’t treat your shared kids well.

For your kids’ sake, it’s important to at least be congenial with your ex, so don’t give up. You are the strong adult voice for those kids and their needs.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband left me the day after our final fight on Boxing Day. He didn’t want to miss his Christmas dinner with my folks where he showed off the expensive gifts of clothing and jewelry he got from me.

I refused to see the bad in him — right up to the very last minute. What a waste. He’s such an actor and a cheater.

A few days after Christmas, his new girlfriend couldn’t stand being hidden away any longer, so she had the nerve to phone me.

Soon it all came out — the lies and his stories to her about “just trying out other women until he found the perfect one.“

What crap.

“Why do you want him?“ was all I could say to her. I asked how she’ll stand his gambling and the serious money he owes to bad people. That’s scarier than being broke. Good thing I hung onto my decent job.

My question: What part did I play in this? I need to know so I can start sleeping at night.

My horrified parents have offered me counselling funds so I can keep myself together, but they want me to see a church-based counsellor of their choosing, so they don’t “waste” their money.

What is it that I do wrong? I need to know. It’s almost killing me and I can’t afford to have it happen twice.

My dream of having children was the biggest thing my husband couldn’t fulfil with me. I know I can get pregnant because I had a child in my teens I gave up for adoption.

Not too many men are unable to produce a baby, but I picked a loser in that area, too. Now where do I turn?

— Can’t Win For Losing, Osborne Village

Dear Can’t Win: You could definitely benefit from a counsellor to help you see the real picture of your marriage clearly. You’ll also gain insight into what worked and what didn’t in your relationship, and how you can learn to better tell a winner from a loser in the dating and relationship game.

Now is definitely the time to see the best relationship counsellor you can find, but it can be expensive.

Your parents want to help and this is a nice thing they could do, so let them know you are thankful, and at least try out a counsellor they may know.

If you want to find less religion-based counselling, ask your parents if they would be willing to just pay for part of it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.