Family history does not have to repeat itself

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: It’s getting close to Valentine’s Day and I don’t know whether to give my girlfriend the diamond engagement ring I bought for her months ago.

Why not? I’m scared of getting engaged because my parents — although they loved each other — continually fought and were always on the verge of breaking up. They married too young.

One terrible day, my high-strung mother threw her diamond wedding ring off the balcony, while us kids were watching and crying. We thought our family was over.

If that’s what marriage can be, I don’t want it. I must admit though, my girlfriend is pretty easygoing, and she’s never in her life thrown anything in a fit of rage.

I’m 34, and she says I’m certainly old enough to get hitched. We’ve lived together for three years, and she really wants a wedding this year. Help me, please!

— Dragging My Feet, West Kildonan

Dear Dragging: You’re re-living your parents’ trauma for no good reason. Consider some important factors here. Your mom and dad never broke up, not even after the diamond-throwing incident. You went and picked a different kind of woman — easygoing with no drama.

You’re pushing 35 now and are mature enough for marriage, but seeking the wise counsel of a psychologist or psychiatrist could help you get over this lingering trauma.

When you’re ready, maybe consider a more intimate wedding and dinner with close family and friends, minus the pomp and circumstance of a big production. You’re not a guy who enjoys too much drama.

Still, your wife-to-be likely may want a beautiful dress, a lovely wedding ring, a bridal bouquet, plus close friends and family to witness your ceremony. With the right professional help, you can give that to your mate, and enjoy it yourself as well.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I like to write romantic and erotic poetry and sometimes I just write about an imaginary lover.

My new boyfriend stayed over for the first time a few days ago and while he was sleeping in, I went to the corner store to buy some eggs and bacon. He woke up while I was out and snooped around, finding my blue shoebox full of romantic poetry. He clearly dived in because he must have thought the sexy ramblings were all about him and what I wanted to do with him.

When he heard my car pull up, he must have tried to stuff the shoebox back up in my closet, but a couple of poems and love letters fell out. I discovered them peeking out from my shoe collection.

He was strutting around like a proud peacock, but the two erotic poems he hurriedly crumpled in his hands were not about him. They were written about the idiot boyfriend who came right before him — a guy who cheated on me. Should I tell my new guy the truth?

— Nervous Poet, Transcona

Dear Nervous: Explain gently that you’ve always written erotic poems, and those were “old” ones, and way out of date. Then, tell him you’ll probably feel an urge to write poems inspired by him in the future, but it’s a little too soon right now. If he likes that idea, he may start upping his game in hopes of getting better “reviews.” Be prepared for a surge in passionate behaviour!

Also tell him gently you don’t appreciate anyone rummaging through your personal things. You could ask him how he’d feel if you snooped at his place when he was out, although he might say, “Go ahead — nothing to hide. It’s just socks and underwear.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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