Early relationship boldness may not bode well

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend just “offered” to move into my place because it’s so far for me to drive to her place to pick her up and she doesn’t have a car. She does not have a job either, as she’s a full-time university student who gets rides there with classmates when I’m not dropping her off.

I met her through a recreational curling league we’re both in. She is a great athlete and has a medical career ahead of her, but I don’t want to be her sugar daddy in the meantime, and I told her that last night on the phone.

So she called me in a snit today, angry about our chat where she didn’t automatically get her way. She told me to get lost, but not in such polite words. Then she hung up on me.

Have I blown this for good? She may be younger than I am, but she’s the best match I’ve ever had — bright, business-minded and into sports, and sexy in a way I like. It just feels too soon to have her living with me.

What do you think?

— Hasty move? Osborne Village

Dear Hasty: Essentially saying, “Either live with me immediately, or get lost” is a pretty pushy move on her part, so take a chance on this young woman changing her tune if you stick to something such as, “You’re great and we’re a good match, but it’s too soon to live together.”

If she dumps you on your head because she can’t get her way, just get up and walk away. Consider her move a serious warning from the love gods.

She may be smart, fun and attractive, but she’s someone used to getting her own way.

If you really want her, hold the line and see if you can buy more time to explore this relationship without her unreasonable demands being fulfilled.

If not, you can find another great woman who isn’t so self-centred, so don’t be afraid to write off this “me first, you don’t count” attitude.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I thought my new man was all that and more, but as soon as we got married last summer he started talking to me like he does to his mother.

When he was still living at home before we got married, he used to leave notes labelled “for mom” on the fridge before he went to bed — scribbled lists of what he needed done for him by the next day. And she would stay up to complete the tasks for him.

When I finally questioned his demands on his mom, he said, “She chose to be a stay-at-home mother, so I’m just giving her something valuable to do.”

I don’t know why I didn’t turn and run then, except our wedding was so close.

Now I’m the one getting those notes about shovelling the driveway, changing light bulbs, cleaning the garage, taking out garbage and changing the cat litter. It’s like he can’t do these chores because he’s too busy with his more important job and the two sports he’s involved in. I have a full-time job myself.

Last night he informed me he thought it was about time we had our first kid before we get too old. I’ve got news for him — I’m not sure anymore if I want to raise a child with him. I know who would be taking care of everything — me.

I’d probably also end up working part time from home to try to keep some semblance of my professional life, rather than feeling like a domestic servant.

I don’t even know what I want with this marriage anymore. Help, please.

— Pulling My Hair Out, St. Boniface

Dear Pulling Hair Out: A guy who is self-centred and expects service from family members — particularly the women close to him like his mom and now you, his wife — assumes he’ll continue being treated like a prince. You’ll need professional intervention to shift that notion or you may need to leave — and before you start a family with this man.

This would be the time to get some solo relationship counselling, and then the two of you should consider couples counselling. If your husband balks, tell him it’s crucial if he wants you to stay. That will surprise him, given his background, but it may wake him up if he knows you really mean it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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