Don’t be bullied into backing belligerent bro

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My brother has a stressful job and takes it out on his poor family, and he’s not shy about doing so in front of other people. He makes every family get-together feel uncomfortable because he can’t help but yell at his wife and kids.

We have a big family, and all of us have agreed to go and spend time together at our family cabin every second weekend this summer. At the first get-together, my loudmouth brother yelled at his wife and boys and made it awkward for everyone. My family and I went home early.

I don’t want to go to the next weekend gathering, but I know my brothers and sisters are going to say I’m overreacting. What can I say to them when my siblings make fun of me for backing out?

— Uncomfortable Brother, Southdale

Dear Uncomfortable Brother: You’re a father now, so just say, “I have a family of my own and don’t want to expose them to this unacceptable aggressive behaviour.”

If you can’t trust things to change for the better, you might consider renting a cabin at the same lake and then meet up with the rest of the crew at the beach during the day.

This will hopefully spark some discussion and conversation among the family. This could put some pressure on your brutal brother to change his ways or else the frequency of and attendance at family gatherings at the cottage will diminish sharply.

Your brother may need to be told exactly what is happening and why, by more than one of his siblings, so he finally takes it seriously.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel like I’m making a huge mistake marrying into my fiancé’s family. I just found out from my soon-to-be sister-in-law that their parents secretly invited the woman they always wanted my husband to marry to my wedding shower.

They lied and told me she was a distant cousin from their side who would be at the wedding at their invitation. It turns out that is not true. I guess they just want to show her the bride. And for what? So they can bad-mouth me together after the shower?

I’m very close to phoning my soon-to-be mother-in-law and reaming her out, but my man is a mama’s boy and keeps telling me to calm down. I need your advice.

— In-Laws’ Favourite Target, East Kildonan

Dear Favourite Target: Save the showdown for later — after the wedding — when you’ve successfully married the man you love.

Your mother-in-law may not bother ever pulling another dirty move, but don’t feel you ever have to invite her over — except as part of a big family crowd.

You don’t need to create a situation where you have to talk with her about anything besides the weather. In this case, living a happy life with your husband may be the best form of revenge.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a shy guy. In fact, I was so wound up and anxious about the first date with this great woman I wanted to impress that I threw up my dinner in the restaurant bathroom before our dessert arrived. I had to pay our bill, excuse myself and go home.

I’ve tried and tried to apologize to my date for that night — but she won’t answer my calls or respond to messages. Why doesn’t she talk to me? It hurts and it’s embarrassing.

My best female friend knows all about my situation, and she says I need to see a therapist. Why would I do that? I’m not crazy, just a little nervous.

I just don’t know how to resolve this problem myself. Please help me.

— Nervous Stomach, Westwood

Dear Nervous Stomach: Going out for dinner where you must chew and swallow food with a new date is one of the most difficult activities you can choose if you’re an overly shy or nervous person, because you have to make conversation for an hour or so, while trying to eat. Then your stomach can start churning itself into trouble.

Unfortunately, this is what happened to you. So just forget about this dinner date who doesn’t respond your calls and move on.

Instead, look for someone new who is attached to an activity you enjoy and feel confident about. First dates should feel more like exploring a friendship, with a little added flirting, and they certainly shouldn’t make you physically ill due to anxiety.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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